Hallucination

Several things should probably be said in this post.  Some will be, some won't.

To begin, I need a new blog.  Where I actually consistently post things that are not specifically rants and are maybe even mildly educational.  And where my profile isn't still from the day of this blog's creation when I was 20 years old, painfully so, and just a tiny bit different of a person than I am now.  But I am too sentimental to change the profile, so it makes way more sense to just create a whole new blog.

I also do not like the black background and white text.... sooo that will not be a part of my new blog.

Ahem.

What else was I going to say, oh my GOSH I don't remember...??? I think about so many things that I want to expand upon on a daily basis that don't get written down anywhere and then get lost in the cranial sandstorm for days, weeks, months, forever.  Though I can't really claim that any of them have been lost forever, because I suppose any of them could resurface at some point.

There are so many millions of things that I want to research and really, truly, deeply understand on a deeper level.  I want to incorporate them into my as-of-yet un-incorporated daily mindfulness routine, daily discourse with my spirit guides, daily meditation, whatever title is the least upsetting to you--- but I don't seem to even have the discipline to get the routine down, much less identifying, categorizing, prioritizing, and incorporating the topics I'd like to study INTO said "routine."  What do I do?

One of many many things I've been exploring, however superficially, is attempting to remember my dreams and thus interpret and understand them.  I have no trouble whatsoever believing that dreams are messages from our subconscious mind, images and symbols and insights from the world(s) beyond our 5-sense daily construct, and that understanding these messages and symbols can GREATLY enhance our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, even our paths and communications with our deeper selves and with other beings we are connected with.

This "dream work" has many moving pieces and I am still sorting them out.  I am trying to severely limit any mind-altering substances--no caffeine, no alcohol, etc.--- to make sure that my mind is functioning optimally.  I suppose I could extend that credo outward to include all types of health-related lifestyle choices and changes, but I'll get into that later.  I am trying to get good sleep on a regular schedule, and have been taking notes of the dream snippets I remember.   The trouble is I remember so FEW of the dreams, only bits and pieces here and there, unless I jump out of bed in the middle of the night and right down the dream as SOON as it happens.  The vast majority of it is lost within minutes of waking up.

I'm feeling inspired.  I am going to put a journal by my bed tonight, and if I wake up from a dream that I can vividly remember, I am going to just bite the bullet and write it down.  It might ruin the rest of the night's sleep, but then again, maybe not!

I have a task- and now I am going to brush my teeth and get to bed, and finish the blog post later.

Not gonna finish it actually.  Just gonna post this lil piece:):):)

Try to remain calm!

Dang.

I have been catapulted through the brick wall of ignorance.  And ya it is pretty painful.

Well, not really "catapulted"... to be fair, and a little prideful, I have always had a bit of an intuitive awareness of what is going on and the extent of truth that is being shielded from all of us (ok, to be FAIR fair, all of us have this intuitive awareness, but I feel I've always been more aware of this awareness than the people I'm surrounded by, and more dissatisfied and weary of the bizarre and destructive society we live in, but yes, all of us have this deep feeling of unease that I am referring to).

THE POINT IS- I've made large strides in the direction of understanding the (frightening) absurdity of what is going on in our world and TO US as humans, strides in the same direction I've been facing pretty much my entire life but been hesitant to move in (or dissuaded from moving in, directly or indirectly, by my surroundings, relationships, education, etc.).

Are you following?

I am so fed up with mindless living.  I see it all around me all the time and it has always really bothered me, even at a subconscious level, but it’s starting to really rise to the surface and is  beginning to cause actual anger and distress rather than just simple annoyance.  It is as plain as daylight to me now just how much we are all taught and molded to focus on all these things that DO NOT MATTER.  Not only do we focus on them, but we POUR our vital, powerful, magical human energy into them.  We do this at the expense of truly SEEING and CONNECTING with the bigger, more real, and more beautiful world around us.  Instead, we are investing our souls into things that drain, diminish, corrupt, and neutralize our innate power—our power to understand the universe and discover our place in it.  The things that we all assume are harmless are NOT.  They are symptoms of the disease of disconnection rampant in all of us, ESPECIALLY in the United States.  Our wealth is cheap and repulsive.

There are a lot of thoughts and examples behind that paragraph that to me are self-evident but that a reader who doesn’t have my mindset will not understand.  I will try to explain… but how do I put years, my entire lifetime actually, of discontent and confusion at the absurdity of our American lifestyles into a concise post?  I will not really be saying anything that has not been said a million times before, but I am a strong believer in the power of written words and feel that expressing my thoughts, however trite they may be amongst those of us who actually use our brains and our eyes (all three of them!), will release both frustration and locked up power.  Expressive freedom has amazing effects, and that is what I am looking for.

_________________________________________________________

Ok so this post has officially been sporadically added to over the past two weeks, and really makes no cohesive sense whatsoever and I am not even 100% positive what precise point I was trying to make in the first place... I have a lot on my mind, pretty much all the time, and a lot of things that I would love to get out into a processable format on a blog post, but it seems that THIS post is not really destined for that type of existence.  I think it might be best to just wrap it up and hope that my next post is a little more organized.

The general point of this post (other than frustration at the lack of understanding that I see ALL AROUND ME of how our society and our world is really working right now... the extent of environmental destruction, the SERIOUS reality of humans rights violations and NATURAL LAW violations all in the name of "economic growth"- i.e. over-consumption, materialist and capitalist brainwashing, the incredibly evil doings of our (and other) government(s), and ESPECIALLY the true spiritual power, the sheer magnitude of POWER that humans possess but that is brainwashed out of us literally from day one when we are yanked unceremoniously from our drugged mothers) ---- The GENERAL POINT of this post, other than all that, IS....

INAUTHENTICITY.  EVERYWHERE.  As Tom Robbins says... "The lack of authentic experience."  Everything is a sham.  YES! YES! Please don't breeze over this quote and think "yeah, yeah, we know, it's all a sham." If you're breezing over this sentiment, if you're not disturbed and upset and annoyed and introspective about this (or have never had said feelings about this previously) then you really aren't thinking about it enough.  And if you don't think it's worth thinking about and reflecting on, then you're really missing the bigger picture on a deeper level.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T BLOG, because there's too much behind every single thing I want to say and I don't know where to even begin, where to broach the topics and get into every important aspect so that each thing is fully elaborated on and makes sense.  There's a lot of cliche and common sentiments being shared.. but I worry that people hear them over and over again and don't really understand them. Stressed.

From what I see of human life here in the developed western world, here in the United States... we are essentially living in a plastic Barbie-type dollhouse that is NOT connected to the real essence of life, the real force of the universe.  We are laughably disconnected from what sustains us and what is truly inherently meaningful to our human souls.  What are these things I'm talking about that are REAL, that are INNATELY CONNECTED to our innermost, higher selves, our shared life force?
EACH OTHER.  OUR PLANET.  ANIMALS.  LOVE (the force of awakening and expanding consciousness, not a romantic or even benevolent emotion/action, though that is part of it).  PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL connection with the LIVING, BREATHING PLANET that gives us life.  If you are not grieving, angry, confused, and discouraged daily about the state of this planet, then I DO NOT understand you and am one hundred million percent confident that you are not fully aware of the situation we are in and what it means for us a species, physically and spiritually.  Your spirituality DOES suffer along with this planet.  Guaranteed.  There is no way around that.  I know that we are raised and bred and institutionalized not to understand this... so I can't get angry and mad at people.  But to me, when this sentiment is as clear as daylight and I can literally FEEL it in every sense of my being... it just blows my mind that people don't understand this.  Your job is NOT more important.  Your master's degree is NOT more important.  Your material items (obviously) are NOT (more) IMPORTANT.  I just want people to stop posting BULLSHIT all over their bullshit social media pages all over the place and start caring and SHOWING that they care about real, actual, ACTUAL LIFE.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Oh god I am spiraling into real, whirlwinding anger.  I am going to stop blogging now.... This post is truly a disaster, but maybe it existing will release a little of my inner tension and I'll be able to come back and write a sensible and relatable post sometime soon.  We'll see.

Good luck everyone.  Please try and wake up and see the world around you, and care about it.  Please please please please please.

Self-Love (?)

Blogging at work is most excellent.  I shall do so now.

This is going to be really short, and is more or less for my own benefit and a means for putting this thought down somewhere where I can find it again, rather than on the back of a piece of paper that I will almost definitely throw away without remembering the philosophical nugget on the back.  I wonder how many insights and ideas I've written down and thrown away and forgotten.  It's a real shame my brain is low-functioning in the area of memory and recall...

Alas.  I am thinking about self love/self-love, and about hyphens, as I struggle to get a full six hours in at the office.  Not a typo, SIX, I really don't have that much to do.  I guess that's better then the alternative, but I wouldn't mind being a little busier.  idigress:
I've had a minor breakthrough recently about self love, and am a bit annoyed at myself for not giving this thought much thought earlier in my life.  This idea seems so OBVIOUS to me know that I think about it, and maybe it is to a lot of people and I'm just a remedial philosopher and psychological investigator, doesn't matter, I've arrived in my awareness now and it feels pretty important that I have done so.  To me.  Ahem:

Self love is much, much, much bigger than self acceptance, coming to terms with one's flaws and imperfections, and being happy with yourself the way you are and the way you look and all of that stuff.  It's bigger than valuing and appreciating your individuality and your ability to operate and connect and experience your personal physical existence.  I feel like that is the impression I've had of self love for my entire life and it suddenly seems so small and pinpricked compared to what self love actually is.  I guess that is all people ever really talk about when they talk about loving yourself- eating well and exercising and accepting your awkward laugh and your cellulite and whatever.  Which is all important and I think people do indeed need to understand and practice those things.  BUT!  LOVING yourself, I now believe, is achieved only through the ACTIVE SEEKING of your emotional, mental, and spiritual potential, and raising your awareness accordingly.  Enlightenment, basically.  Well, maybe more the growth towards enlightenment.  That is self love.  Seeking and awakening and truly desiring access to your higher self/Self.  If you are not active and intentional about growing in your awareness and your understanding of Self and Universe and your spiritual abilities, you are not practicing full self love and you will "suffer" accordingly.  This concept is going to be filtered through your religious beliefs of course (or lack thereof) but I don't think that really matters.  Like I said, I cannot believe I didn't really think about this or understand it sooner.  Self love is a pursuit of awakening and expanded consciousness.  Love is the force that presses consciousness outward and upward and in all directions.  It's so obvious!  It's so clear!  Self love is the shunning, the battle, against ignorance, close-mindedness, obliviousness, apathy, unawareness, complacency, and on and on with synonyms of those words.  It is FLEEING FROM SHEEPLEHOOD!  It is balancing your consciousness so that you think-->you feel-->you act in harmony (mark passio's words, thank you mark).

I could elaborate, but I want to get out of the office and go home for Taco Night and being forced to watch the Bachelor season finale with my silly friends.  In the name of awakening, not in the name of numbing and mindless entertainment, I assure you.  Though I definitely relish the irony I've just posed.

Ok, there's my insight.  I will come back and read it in a week or two and make a judgment call then.

Adieu!

Mark Passio's podcast has nudged me to this illumination.  What on earth IS happening??
What on Earth is Happening? WEBSITE :)
Mark Passio- Episode 3

The Anthropocene

Shall I revisit my old, faithful, neglected blog?
Why not?

I am feeling frustrated today.  The morning began with a baby mouse stuck on a sticky-trap in the kitchen.  A STICKY TRAP?? REALLY?? Are we barbarians??  My idiot, selfish, ignorant roommate bought sticky traps for the "mouse problem."  And I awoke to find a perfectly coherent baby mouse stuck to one, all four paws and his jaw, still fully conscious and squeeking.  So.... my roommate tells me to put it in a bag and throw it in the trash.  So I do.  This is obviously a cruel, cruel, evil, evil thing to do and I am THE BIGGEST softy with animals, so what's my internal plan?  To retrieve it from the trash in secret, somehow free it from it's sticky prison, and LET IT GO OUTSIDE!! What do I care if it comes back in the house? (I don't).  Or gets eaten by a cat? (That's at least a TAD more natural of a death).  Will I have it perish in absolute fear, all-fours stuck to a hellish goo? NO.  So my roommate comes to ask if I threw it out, I say yes, we both talk about how bad we feel for it (different roommate than bought the sticky traps), and how we need to not use sticky traps anymore.  She says she is going to have our other roommate squish it to put it out of it's misery.  Yes, good idea, obviously preferable to having it suffocate in the dark of the trashcan on the sticky trap.  But now there's no way for me to rescue it.  I am too embarrassed to speak up and say I want to free it, and she doesn't want it released outside because it will come right back in (which it will).  So I agree,  And roommate #4 goes outside and squishes it.  And now baby mouse is dead.  And I feel terrible.  And angry. And guilty.  I don't know that I could have actually saved it, the trap was EXTREMELY sticky.  But I could have tried.  And that has set the tone for the day.
(The incident was followed rapidly by me leaving the house for work, trying to get coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, driving around the block to go the "fast way" and getting stuck at several traffic lights, only to see that the parking lot is packed with Drive-Thruers and ambulances (??) and forcing me to abandon my decaf;  Which is for the best- I (and everyone) do not need the chemical nonsense served by Dunkin' Donuts.  A second, less dramatic failure (success?) for the morning).

Ok so I'm at work, emotionally healing myself from the mouse ordeal, finding solace in the fact that baby has joined the spirit world.  Trying not to think about what an exciting winter he might have had, scurrying through leaves, hoarding his little seeds and crumbs, making brave escapes from the neighbors' cats.  (Ridiculous, obviously.  Sort of.  Romantacized.  But... Alas.  He could have had a life, nonetheless).

*Well, several hours have passed so I'm feeling a bit less frustrated.  Not less sad about my poor mouse friend, but I've had other things to do and managed not to dwell on it too much.  Nothing like distraction to make you forget your woes.

That being said, the other avenue of my frustration was--of course--stress and anxiety and grief and anger over environmental issues.  That is constant with me, of course, but more pronounced at some times than others.  I was recently introduced to Story Maps as a means of information dissemination, interactive presentations with all types of media, fact sharing, general "storytelling" about a specific topic, and watched one this morning on "The Age of Humans."  It was relatively simple, focusing on basic facts about what humans have done to the planet and showing (awesome) GIS maps on specific topics--satellite images of population density in certain cities, land percentage lost to agriculture, removed forest area, etc.  I thought it was a really really good, informative presentation and shared it on Facebook.  Of course, no one will react to a post like that.  It's not juicy enough, and no one (at least that I'm friends with) has time to look at something of that nature.  They're too preoccupied with Ferguson (don't get me wrong... that's important :/ ), promoting their art businesses, pictures of their well-crafted dinners, Buzzfeed, and so on.  WHY DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!??! I must really and truly live in the wrong place.  I feel like I can't connect to ANYBODY about my insights, worries, sadness, goals, plans, anything  because nobody I know has any interest whatsoever, the theme of my perspective is simply not shared and apparently not understood.  I guess people are right when they say the southeast is a little behind...

I just want to be connected with people that think for themselves, that are TRULY open-minded (no, not that you support gay rights and have a vague notion of the dangers of GMOs are and superficially disagree with CAFOs).  People that ACTIVELY QUESTION THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE.  That comprehend that our society is not simple and straight-forward and credible at face-value but that there is much much much more going on behind the scenes of easily-accessible media, behind front-page news and generally accepted ideologies.  STOP! BEING! A! ZOMBIE! STOP! SWALLOWING! ALL! THE! BULLSHIT!

Ugh. My frustration levels have risen again.  Is writing blog posts supposed to make you seethe with anger??

  (Probably).

I am going to end this post before I get too dramatic and unnecessarily upset.  But, these are very real emotions and struggles for me and I have to figure out a way to get past them.  If that means relocating to an area where I feel I can connect with the people and the tone of the culture and society in general, then I'll do it.  It's just so discouraging to never be able to discuss the things you care about, to be surrounded by people who are seemingly unconcerned with the harsh reality of our present situation, that don't see what a blind trajectory we are blazing along with foolish abandon.  We are so successfully distracted with our own infinitesimal daily routines and troubles... people refuse to think about a larger reality.  I could be branded as a loony just for using those two words together... LARGER REALITY.  And yet it's a truth that is strictly, almost forcibly ignored.  I need sustenance from people who want to expand boundaries and discover true human power.  Ahem, excuse me, LIFE power.  The power of the life force.  (OH NO, I'm getting really "transcendental," must..stop...while I'm... ahead).

Do your research, people.  Think critically, be imaginative, don't swallow the pill of media-based education.  TRUST NO ONE! (hehe. Ok, THAT was for dramatic flair).
But seriously.  Don't call someone "cynical" because they question the credibility of the flu shot.
(It's a scam, do a tiny PINCH of research, or even just think about it for three minutes, and you'll most likely see that).
Don't let them win!!! :):):)

And, on my end, I'll try to remain calm about the hopelessness of my current, infinitesimally small and minor unsatisfactory situation.

Final note- the life of that poor mouse on the sticky pad DID and DOES matter.  If I could go back in time, I would swallow my pride and make an actual effort to help him live.

The Anthropocene Story Map- or, How We've Ruined the Planet

A dream I had

A dream I had.  It was the most amazing, realistic, and most vivid psychological experience I've had.  In the dream, I lived my entire life with an intense connection with a polar bear.  I saved this bear in his infancy from a horrible death, and likewise gave him the ability to speak and understand me.  We lived a beautiful life together with a friendship deeper than any I have ever had in "real life." At the end of my life, my polar bear was caught in some evil magic that threatened to not only kill him but erase his entire existence. By some magic power I was allowed to time-travel back to the moment I formed my bond with this bear, and was able to prevent his ultimate end from occurring.  BUT, I had to alter one tiny piece of our bonding moment (I can't remember what this piece was in detail), and in doing so would negate our ability to bond, speak to each other, and emotionally connect.  I basically chose to sacrifice our life of beautiful friendship so that ultimately his existence would not be erased.

The intensity of this dream has honestly changed me, and continues to do so.  I don't know what the dream means. But it was incredible.  I have never had such strong waking emotions as I did in this dream.

Still poopin' along

What has inspired me to write a little blog article before work when I haven't blogged in years?  I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that.
I have tried unsuccessfully to create other blogs in the past couple years but I can't get the templates to work with me, and I don't know how to import photos and add in different links and all the stuff that most bloggers can do these days.  Could I figure it out?  I guess... Will I? Possibly later.
What's important is my current state of affairs, though.  That's what blog posts are for if I'm not mistaken.  I am moving to San Francisco in a few months to go to graduate school at San Francisco State University, to get a MA in Geography- Resource Management and Environmental Planning.  Sounds cool right?  Sounds expensive doesn't it?  Sounds a tad cliche hm?  Fortunately I don't care about any of those things because I personally believe that the earth is doomed and don't think that any of us really have a whole lot longer here anyhow.  It's not a grim outlook, despite first appearances.  It's actually liberating.

In other news, I AM TWENTY FIVE NOW! Remember when I started this blog and I was 20?  That's kinda cute.  Actually, in some ways it feels like a lot more than five years ago that I was working at the Grand Canyon (the adventure that produced this blog. I think). Five years is a long time I guess.. these days it doesn't feel like it but how much has happened since that summer speaks for itself.

SIDENOTE- my next door neighbors are also my landlords.  I am currently on the front porch, and my landlord's brother is building a mailbox right outside the porch.  His nieces (my next door neighbor's children) are freaking ADORABLE, this from a person who is not overfond of children and not even fond of children.  Their mother is Mexican and their father is black and they are twins of ~2-3 years, girls, and they are currently bugging their uncle as he tries to work.  It's pretty great to watch.  Kids are... something else.  These two have some sort of frilly t-shirts on and pink Crocs and little pink and purple pantaloons and they're trying really hard to hang out with their unc and I don't think he's interested.  I'd get a picture but I don't want to step on any toes.

Someone broke in to my car and stole my computer last November.  I was parked near Yeah! Burger in Virginia Highlands where I was bartending at the time.  I had just come down from being at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and hadn't had time to drop my stuff at home.  My computer was hidden under a bunch of other stuff but I guess that doesn't cut it these days.  The damn thing was stolen, and my window was smashed and blah blah blah.  I was fired from the restaurant not long after that for, literally, the dumbest reason ever.  I would write about it but it is literally idiotic and I don't feel like it.  Also- a duffel bag was stolen from my car to put the laptop in.  In the bag were clothes, some tea, knitting yarn, and an unopened book of checks.  I cancelled my checking account upon realizing that the checks were gone.  I had forgotten that 4 days before I wrote a check to a big farmer's market (they don't accept credit card).  SO- the check bounced.  They mailed a letter to my parents' house, because their address is on my check because my mailbox in Atlanta is sketchy (thus the new one currently being built).  SO, my mom mails a new check to the PO box on the letter she received about the bounced check.  Wrong address I guess, because they either never got that check or disregarded it because it was from a different person, I don't know, BUT come February I get a citation saying I am being charged with check fraud.  SO NOW I get to go to court about check fraud.  Over $42.00. Original court date was scheduled for when I was going to be in Europe, so had to get that changed real quick before I left.  Still have court awaiting me in July. Talk about a rough winter!

Things are looking up for me now though!  Just thought I'd share that story.
And now I will go read Game of Thrones (Clash of King, actually, Book 2) until work.  Bye!!

A free footlong, some cookies, some knitting, and a bad knee

Hello!  A short entry.  I live here at home, with my parents, in the lovely Alpharetta, Georgia.  I work at Natural Foods Warehouse, and help out with a CSA, and volunteer on Rockstar Farms in Gainesville once a week.  I am hopefully moving down into Atlanta in June, with my good friends Rebecca, Bissell, and Jessica.  Right now I am in the kitchen with Nick, Deanna, and Andy, have a quasi-argument about monotremes, marsupials, and placental mammals.  And shrews and shrewps.  I just made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and earlier I attempted a black bean patty, which kind of failed.  It has been a fun night, and today I planted blueberries on the farm which was FUN!  I have to run soon, but my knee is hurt and I am not supposed to. Boo.
Alpha is laaaame!  Argument at the kitchen table about "Lotr, Deanna".  It's time to go, update again soon.
Katty

Homesteading Skills

Well, unfortunately i havent been able to really update very much. no internet... except for about an hour a week when we go to chico to do the farmers market and i get to take a break and go to a little coffee shop. today im in quincy- frank is doing a talk at the sustainability conference and im at this coffee place called pangaeas. uploaded some pics on facebook, and a video, and crept, so now i dont have much time to post before frank and sally come to get me. i want to walk down to the food co-op too. so this will be a really short post, though i may do another longer one tomorrow in chico.
things you should know: been wearing LOTS of layers recently, because the temp. dropped about 35 degrees in two days. and rain on top of that. COLD! had a fire in a wood-burning stove in my room, that made it cozy/unbelievably hot. i like that stove though... kinda want one.
been drying lots of fruit lately... too much. warning: if you eat too much dried fruit you will get sick. 5 little dried peaches is the equiv. of about 2.5 peaches. concentrated. gas....
also if you leave things too long in a dehydrator, they will get cripsy. and gross. BUT! you can rehydrate them by sprinkling water in the bag, sealing it, and setting it near a warmish spot (like the dehydrator!)
also- fresh fruits from the yard make AMAZING desserts! like apple crisp, and plum jam with walnuts. in addition to this, i need to learn baking skills, how to make pastry shells, how to make  bread, maybe even how to grow and grind grain. good real bread is amazing, everyone. REAL BREAD! i cant eat bleached and processed bread anymore... call me a snob, but i wont do it!
another thing- i love tree frogs, and counted 23 one morning while watering the little greenhouse and the garden. they like to hide in the stalks of corn, and turn awesome colors, like neon green and copper. they are SO CUTE!
i miss social life. i miss friends and doing things with people- im kinda sick of being on the farm with JUST FRANK mon-thur when sally is at work. otherwise.. just frank and sally. and me. and sarah the dog. in the middle of nowhere. no car or computer... no friends.... yikes!! its been good, but i am ready to be a young socialite again. ( was i ever a socialite?) though ive learned some coooool stuff while at this farm. namely, i want to grow fruit and make bread... and get in to fermenting and preserving foods. and eating whole foods... i.e. raw milk and butter. make my own cheese? maybe. have a dog like sarah that doesnt come inside and hasnt had a bath in 6 years? again, maybe.
i LOVE pears. namely seckel pears. people who dont eat pears are missing out.
ok, more tomorrow from chico. chico is cool by the way, lots of interest in local foods and holistic farming/etc. interesting people. like beekeepers and breadmakers and whatnot. hippy artists and old women with longgg hair and girls who dont shave their legs. some people think thats cool. others dont.
ok, farewell until tomorrow!! i do love california. i want to go backpacking on the pacific crest trail next summer. hopefully i will have a boyfriend (attractive) by then to go with me. if not, maybe just a friend (boring) or family member (even more boring).
just kidding! bye!

Blueberries and Lavender and More Blueberries

Hello!  I am almost two weeks in at my little farm internship here in California.  Berry Creek, California at Green Cedar Farm.  What's that you say?  I should have written before? Well, yes, I would have been updating the past couple weeks, but as it turns out there is no internet at Green Cedar Farm.  Nor do I really have much phone reception. Nor a car. And- it worked out so that I am the only intern.  So I basically live in the middle of nowhere with the couple that owns the farm (age 60-65).  QUITE a different lifestyle than I'm used to. Not gonna lie, it's been a little bit difficult.  I miss young people... and even though I like the couple (Frank and Sally) it's weird that they're my only company. and i can't leave the property unless I go somewhere with them.  It's a bit confining. I will probably only stay until early october. I doubt I could handle 3 full months here.  It feels like I've been here a month already, and it's been less than 2 weeks...
But! There are some cool things.  The farm is really neat. They have a large garden for their own use, and then orchards that they sell produce from at the Quincy and Chico farmers markets.  I've been to the Quincy one only so far.  It's a cute little town, and the markets pretty small and theres kids running around and stuff, and a band that plays. i like it actually. people loveee the blueberries from green cedar. thats for sure... thats what ive spent a lot of time doing- picking blueberries. its kinda fun, but youre under the blueberry nets and kinda hunched, or sitting. and in the really crowded blueberry bunches, little earwig bugs are hiding. they... are disgusting. really shiny, prehistoric looking, with pincers. i hate them. i saved a praying mantis that was stuck in the blueberry nets (though i think he perished later...), and a lizard, and helped to get 2 finches who were inside the nets get out. the nets kinda cause a problem for the wildlife.. but i guess otherwise the birds would get all the bluebs. ive also started some seeds for the winter veggies, picked some apples, thinned the apple trees (which is literally taking off apples and throwing them on the ground... apparently this is a common and healthy practice! still seems wasteful...), water the garden and the little greenhouse (really just a shelf of young plants with a screen over it), packed blueberries, picked lavender, gone to farmers markets, cooked a little. farm work. theres a lot left to learn... we hiked up the ridge behind the farm the other evening, it was realllllly pretty. and yesterday hiked the middle fork, down to this really pretty river with huge white rocks you could lay on and cliffs. it was a really cool place. its been fun, but i just think it would be a little MORE fun if one or two other young interns were on the farm as well... someone else to talk to besides ol f & s (frank & sally). they are cool people though, for sure. frank read the one straw revolution (which i strangely also read a year or so ago, and it definitely changed my view of things) and was inspired by it to have a very natural farm. their products are organic, but he also tries to work with the land, keep native vegetation around to inspire native insects and decomposers and birds and stuff, and kind of count on them to keep the ecosystem intact (rather than devastating it and wiping out the biodiversity, as most farms do). he pays close attention to this soil and makes sure its healthy and wont erode away and leach to useless dust, which i like alot. and we eat every night with fruits from the orchard and veggies from the garden! i like that alot. a love watching the stuff i've planted getting bigger, and making crisps from blueberries that i picked, and all that. its really cool, but i see that running a farm is a LOT of work. youve got to keep up with it and constantly be doing chores, checking on your plants, etc. and its been weird being so out of touch with people, not having a computer and not having great phone service, and being busy most of the day. im sure its a good thing overall, but its a little depressing sometimes being so distant from everyone. i definitely miss my family and friends and homeeee and athens. and being a college kid. and of course im worried what im going to do after this. if i  go home in 6 weeks--- then i have an infinite amount of time in alpharetta at my parents house in from of me. ummm no.. i am thinking about grad schools, but that wont be until a year from now, at the earliest. so what to do between now and then? i realllllly want to try something abroad, but this internship has showed me that i need to be around people, and not too isolated. so yea, i need to figure that out, but i guess for now i should just focus on being here and getting the most out of it that i can. and a lot of it i really enjoy. ive got my own little guest house. we eat dinners together every night. they have a screened in room just for meals. i like their dog sarah, i love the garden, the hikes have been pretty, and the market is fun. i hopefully will be going to chico relatively soon. i also think im going to bucks lake tomorrow with frank on the way to quincy. so ya, im doing stuff. its just a big transition, which i am bad at. i was so attached to the life i had, the people in it and the place and the guy i was with- and pretty much all of that has changed. not easy, for sure. i bet a lot of my friends are having similar difficulties, though some people seem to take it better and move smoothly into their new lives. i guess i could technically go back to athens or atlanta and try to find a job. i just want to do what i really LOVE doing. which im not sure what that is yet, but im not sure i could find it in athens or atlanta. i maybe could. i realllllly want to be somewhere where i can go out and hiking, camping, swimming, kayaking on a regular basis. georgia isnt the best for that. im not sure where is. guess i will figure it out as i go along. life is definitely full of suprises. i just wonder if im too sentimental for my own good. i look back on my experiences and miss them incredibly. i remember the feeling of doing certain things and being certain places and im just like wow... i miss that. the whole situation. the surroundings, the people, the smells and all that kind of stuff. and the older i get the worse it gets, because there is more to miss. living in the now is probably the best thing i could learn at this point. and enjoying what im doing, because when i look back at stuff, i think how awesome my life is, how much fun ive had, all the cool stuff ive done. and a lot of it- i was stressed while i was doing it. not that i didnt enjoy it, but i know that i was worried or upset about something at the time, most likely. and then afterwards when im done worrying im like ooooh wow that was so fun! ok well i think i need to go, frank just walked in to the coffee shop (he was doing errands in oroville, where i am) so i think we are going back to the farm now (about 45 min drive into the hills). i need to get back to the blueberries, they miss me. they're getting in fights. ok enough of that. i will update again as soon as i have internet again. maybe ill have some more insights and thoughts. blueberry stories. a husband. who knows!

Jumping off bridges

I haven't jumped off a bridge in a long time. (ever?) so the title is a little irrelevant, maybe kinda metaphorical but not really, its more of a mental connection i have with the idea of jumping off bridges to how i am feeling at this particular "stage in my life" if you will.
oh, in case you were wondering (btw no one reads this, i am addressing myself), the other blog didn't really pan out.  i like this one better anyway. i think people just start new things out of boredom, and then get bored with the new thing and go back to the old thing out of sentimentality.
anyways- here i sit, at the end of my college days and the beginning of everything else (though I have a real and unsettling suspicion that the world is teetering dangerously and humans with it... im not sure how much longer were all gonna make it.) but anyways--the end of an era has arrived. sadly, but in due course. i think its time. things have run their course here. but i could literally not be more satisfied with my college years. athens was.. (is)... perfect! i know it so well, love it so much, have the best memories and most intimate connections and have experienced so much growth and joy and peace (among other more negative but equally beneficial emotions) right here in the wonderful amazing town of athens. so lucky to have gotten to be a college kid here. and-though im uncertain about my career path-am THOROUGHLY convinced that warnell and the natural resource major is the absolute best decision for a degree. you get so close to other students as well as teachers (really you do), spend so much time outdoors in awesome settings, hours studying and doing labs together, learning a huuuuge variety of stuff. taking awesome field trips to coastal islands and beaches and mountains, having wildlife suppers and tws meetings with live animals, lots of pizza, lots of time together, and the most important knowledge anyone can have in opinion--how to understand and care for the natural environment and its creatures. i love animals and nature more than ever, more than anything really. warnell has been the best experience ever. senior exit dinner the other night, all the seniors discussed the pros and cons of their experiences. and everyone really is like family. and we are all passionate about nature, and nerdy wildlife techniques and id'ing scat and bird calls and scientific names of trees. its very unifying.
anyways. enough of that. whats next you ask? i wish i could tell you. i...do NOT know! i suppose i will mention (for my own future benefit i guess, because as i said no one reads this) that "teeny tiny daniel" and myself are no longer a couple. as of about two weeks ago. it is very strange. sad, probably a good thing, hard to get used to, disappointing, unfinished, a part of life, anything you can think of really. it is hard to look back at my old entries and remember the blossoming of our relationship that summer in the grand canyon. and think of all weve been through since then, how close we became, all the memories and happiness (hurt, too, naturally) and be sitting here typing this now and it be over. and all the plans and ideas i had for our future be impossible now. and it also leaves me with no plans for the fall (i was planning on going to flagstaff).
Ahem--anyways, the main reason I am writing this post is because i find myself on the cusp of an adventure, a reallll adventure that i am not sure where or when or how or what will become of it. i have this weird  feeling that i will never reach it, that somehow everything is ending now and that i will not actually ever be in a new place with a new life and new ideas. maybe its because school is ending, people are leaving, my relationship ended, and i dont know whats coming. i HOPE at least, and not that i have end-of-world foresight. this summer i will be in athens, working with a grad student on fresh-water mussell research (at least i think thats still on...), and then.... UNKNOWN! alone. was hoping id venture to a new land and have a little you know who by my side... but i guess the essence of life is that it is a mystery.
alas, to bed. gotta do a take-home final tomorrow (really? still...??) and work on my thesis (..... guujhhhhh). these are the days!!!!

"Love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free."
(song of the day- Sigh No More, Mumford & Sons)

Spider Diversity

Hello, to all my HUNDREDS of faithful followers! It is time, alas, for another update.
And, sadly, but not really because I VERY rarely update this bloggerdoo, I think this post is only to report that I will be switching to another blogsite, and a new blog, a blog that i will likely continue to update approximately 3 times a year. so, to my dedicated crew d'etat (i just googled this phrase and found out that it does not, in fact, mean anything) you are cordially invited to my new bloggertownville! i think i may periodically come back and check this one, and maybe even update every now and then, just because it reminds me so fondly of the summer of 09, which i have sentimental attachments to for a variety of reasons!
ok well, im off. hmm... maybe not to a good start... the tumblr (the new blog site) is currently down. is this an omen? maybe. or maybe its the productivity gods telling me to stop messing around and get my homework done, which is why i came to walkers with my laptop in the first place. but i dont wanna do it.. its a spider diversity homework assignment that i turned in with a partner a few weeks ago, we worked on it for hours, and got a 69 on it... ok, really???!?!! who gives people 69s on homework assignments?? so i can redo it and turn it in for more points.. but i DONT want to. i... am sick of school. wow. burnt out is the BIGGEST understatement i can think of. not to mention i am tired and kinda sick from my run earlier. ugh....
ok. im leaving now. farewell, WFAW. youve seen me through some stuff. i will miss you. (kinda). adieu.

A Peach and a Grape

Well, hello. Here I am, back in the Grand Canyon. Where this blog was born! I am staying with Brad, who was one of my bosses last summer. and amanda lives here too, who worked in the BA. and of course daniel. teeny tiny baby daniel. at the moment, we are sharing a TWIN BED in the loft upstairs. yes, i said twin. mind you, neither one of us are that small of people. good!
so i think it may take me a few days to get into the groove of being here. i dont have a car, and i dont know exactly where we are in the park in relation to the rim, so i dont have anywhere to go or anything to do. and at the moment i have no food! we havent gone to the store yet, so today i have had a peach and a bowl of grapes (thus the title of this little posty.)
so yes. oh and daniels at work, and has been since about one. he went to work out with jeff this morning (another guy i worked with last summer), and somehow managed to lock his keys in his car and had to call the canyon triple a people to come. so me and amanda and jeff were sitting on the porch watching the triple a guy try to open the car in the rain with daniel standing there kinda trying to help. it was pretty fun.
other than that, i called my mom today, and chatted with sarah gadway the great on the phone. that was a real treat! and ive read a lot of my book, my 963-page book that i am desperately trying to finish. other than that- not much has been accomplished. which i am actually ok with. i think tomorrow i am gonna go for a run. i need to i think. and to eat an actual meal.
right now were sitting in the living room, watching espn (hd, in case you were wondering). on a huge tv. usually i dont see myself in this kind of situation, enjoying this kind of thing, but i am actually really loving it right now. its a nice clean high-ceilinged place and i have absolutely NOTHING to do and nowhere to be, and i love that! no homework, no nothing. glorious!
i do wish daniel was here at the moment. brad just told me that he's glad i got more talkative over the last year, i guess because im sitting here on my computer not really talking to anyone. he's making banana bread at the moment. i will DEFINITELY be eating some of that. cant wait, i am SO HUNGRY.
ok well, this was a relatively short and un-interesting update, just to give a little update on whats going on. no emotional breakthroughs in this post, but maybe soon!

one big holiday

ok. well. i actually wrote a blog entry a long time back that got deleted, back when i was in san luis at the uga campus the first time. and i was so annoyed that it got deleted that i didnt rewrite it and never wrote another one. so i officially have ONE blog post from my 2 months in costa rica. goooooood one.
i am currently back at home in alpharettafieldtownville, what a dream. ive actually enjoyed being back so far, which is a little suprising. i was ready to come home. actually, i was REALLLLLLY ready to come home. by the last few days, i was just in a horrible mood and acting really withdrawn and i honestly didnt feel like hanging out with people at all. i was pretty bad. and now that im home i really wish i hadnt done that. i was just so eager to get back here. and (since im sure none of them will read this) i just didnt click with my second group as much. i missed the first group the whole time and just wanted them to be back. the second never really felt like my family. not to say that i didnt have fun on the second part of the trip because i definitely did. we stayed at really awesome places, like mawamba lodge in tortuguero national park up on the carribean side, and the rafiki lodge down on the pacific side. both were suppeer nice with pools and a water slide at rafiki and big open bars and amazing food. definitely didnt have anything like that during the first trip. and i saw a ton of cool birds, including scarlet macaws! and chlorophonias we went up into the canopy bridges. those might have been the prettiest birds i saw the whole time. they were SO BRIGHT, it was incredible.
i also started doing some data gathering for my senior thesis project while i was down there. some bird foraging data that i am going to compare to birds foraging up here. cooper said hes never had anyone do their senior thesis based on costa rican info before, so it should be pretty interesting.
but ya, im glad to be home. sisterhenz comes home tomorrow and we are going out to a yummy dinner somewhere, then her and i are gonna do crafts!! wooohoo!! and i have to clean gomperz cage, print costa rica photos off at walgreens (and frame some as GIFTIES for people!) and i think thats about the only obligations i really have! woot. got my papers done and dress fitted and all that. i am goin to grammys on sunday and then maybe to athens for the 4th fireworks that night, or i may come back here and go to kristys. well see how i feel. all i know is i leave for arizona on the 7th and i am soooo excited! i cannnnooott wait to go see little teeny tiny daniel whiskerbaby. i think that was one of the main reasons i wanted to come back...oops.
alright well i am getting really distracted right now, watching videos of cumbia on youtube ( its a type of dance, a lot of people did it in costa rica and i really want to learn!!)
more later. bye forever

Rice and Beans!

Hello little blog! How nice to see you. I am here in Costa Rica, and have been for I think almost three weeks! I have another 4 weeks to go. So far I have been in San Jose, La Selva Biological Station (a rainforest), a little town called San Ramon, an Absolute Wildlife Reserve in Cabo Blanco called San Miguel (a dry forest, though there was more rain there than I have ever seen in my life!), the neighboring small hippy town of Malpais, and now the UGA Costa Rica campus in San Luis (a cloud forest). So, there has been much traveling, and much to see! We are having lectures, doing research projects, going on hikes, having free time, eating Costa Rican food, getting up early to birdwatch, those sorts of things. I have kept a very extensive journal and so am not really gonna go into much detail here... but it has been a lot of fun so far! My suitcase is covered in mold and my backpack smells like mold, and it makes my shirt smell whenever I wear it... I have tons of blisters on my feet, but the millions of bug bites on my legs are at last healing! All sorts of things like that. I have made a lot of new friends, and love spending time with them and doing Costa Rican-y things. In Cabo Blanco and La Selva we had no real computer access, so we were forced to spend all of our time together and finding things to do.. here there are computers, and other people here, we arent quite so isolated with just ourselves so we dont spend as much time playing cards or ultimate frisbee or skipping rocks in the ocean or anything like that. but we still go on night hikes together and eat meals together and work on our projects, so it is still a really cool experience. it is nice to have a group of people to do it with you, because otherwise being in a foreign country would be much less fun in my opinion.
well, i am not really homesick so to speak, but i do miss having a big bed to myself and a clean shower and no one to tell me when i have to wake up, and the kind of food i like it eat and all that. and unstructured time---there is sometimes a bit to much structure here for my liking. after my next program (from june 12 to the 29) i will go home for a few days and then head out to see daniel in arizona and spend about a month out there. i am very excited for that... i really like arizona and can not wait to see my kittenmush!!! i have actually thought about last summer a lot since ive been here, and how different it was and how weird it is that it was already a year ago!! its crazy.. it would be fun to go to the canyon again, it would be strange though that not everyone from last summer would be there.
ah well, i need to go journal and work on my project and do productive things. i will try to update this again soon, with more specifics about what is goin on here in the tropics.
adieu!!!

The Long-Awaited Return to Blogging!

Ah-hah, hello! look who it is, back to the blog after all these months! i can't say what exactly is prompting me to blog on this particular april evening, just that i randomly had the urge to come read my old blogs from last summer, and reading them made me want to write another one! i guess I am not technically "wandering far and wide" at the moment... but i am far from where i was in my last blog, so maybe it is legitimate. doesn't matter... in the scheme of my entire life, i bet this little bloggy from sweet sweet athens, ga will constitute a wandering, a place far and wide from where i end up (maybe).. but, enough of that! moving on!
letsee. next week is the last week of classes of my junior year of college- then the next week is finals week. and then i have a 2 day rest period... and then its off to costa rica! THAT is defintely a far and wide wandering... though I am not sure i'll be able to blog from there. but alas--- i will be journaling.
it is very strange to me whenever i go back and read journal and/or blog entries from the past. because i can see how distinct and real those things were to me at the time, and i feel how far they are from now, but part of me feels like they are so close and real again. time passing never ceases to amaze me, for some reason. its funny to me that all the things that have happened to me since i last wrote are things that i had no idea at all about. my life this past school year was a complete mystery to me in the past, but now it has been revealed so to speak. its like ive acquired things without losing anything-- ah, nevamind. it makes more sense in my head.
i wondered when i started where this blog post would go-- and it turns out its becoming a post about my life in athens this past school year. junior year. year # 1 in the house at 346 n. pope street. ive tried to examine the year as it passed, but its so much clearer (obviously) now that its over. i think overall it has been a fantastic, quite fantastic year. i havent been as psychologically tumultuous (for most of it) as i have been at certain periods in the past, and so in some ways i feel like i've "grown less" perhaps... but i am thinking maybe that is not a bad thing. this semester, especially the past couple months, have been really really awesome for me in a quite, simple way. i have felt more comfortable and at peace in athens these past couple months than ever before. little things have seemed immeasurably beautiful and wonderful to me. things like biking with andy and tj to the oconee river greenway, or sitting on the deck with my binoculars like a nerd and birdwatching, or pulling into the driveway and seeing the roomies sitting on the deck. or hanging out in the living room the morning after a particularly crazy friday night and discussing the events with the roomies/whoever may have slept over in the house. or going to my sisters and eating quesadillas on the front porch. or sitting in the sun in the warnell courtyard between classes. things like that. st. patricks day parties with green beer and walking to taqueria or getting margaritas at taco stand on a sunday night. playing power hour with beer. watching hawks games, studying on the porch, going to the basketball courts down the road.
i have one year left in athens. i am fairly certain i will be leaving the summer after i graduate. as much as i love it here and as attached as i am to so many different things here... i think i am going to leave. and i have always wanted to. but now that i am so close to doing it, i am terrified. i am sad. and i am.. not ready i guess. im not ready to not be near my parents and sister and friends i have had since high school or before. and to be in the intense summer heat and here the crickets and catydids all night. to be a college student who sleeps in and skips class and eats mac and cheese way too much, who finds themselves drinking with their friends the night before a big test. i guess i shouldnt worry too much yet, because i do have an entire year left. and-- i am in many ways ready to graduate (classes and labs have really started to wear on me). but. i feel i am nearing a crossroads type of thing. a transition. the same as leaving for college, but probably much much harder. and college was a difficult transition for me. i am curious to see where my life goes after this. i guess i want to see other places and experience life outside of north georgia. i dont really know anything else. last summer was a little taste of something completely different from what i am used to, but i dont know if even that qualifies. i dont know what exactly it is people are looking for when they leave and home and go out into the world and start new lives and all that. what drives them (me?) to do it? whats WRONG with staying where you are? whats wrong with having a simple life? i guess i do have a certain degree of restlessness--but whos to say that has anything to do with which city i live in? ahh who knows. too many questions. i always have too many questions!
all in all- i am satisfied with my life right now. i feel like i have matured a fair-ish amount this past year. in a calm way-- not in a grown up way, if that makes sense. i mean, i am 21. definitely not a kid anymore. not a youngster, if you will! which im fine with. its a good age. solid. all that kind of thing.
but yet- i think i am going to brush my teeth and get in bed before midnight for once. lab practical tomorrow. and another friday. terrapi beer tour/twilight/low country boil/jonnas 21st bday party this weekend. presentation monday, paper due wednesday, another paper due thursday AND a lab practical thursday. then--- finals week after that to round it all out. COOL!
what a cliche college life. and im ok with that!

I wish I could open my eyes-to see in all directions at the same time

AHHHH!! why don't i write more?? oh thats right, because i literally work my life away, ahaa. 50 hours weeks are KILLER when youre not used to working, i tell you what.

but. lets be honest. i LOVE everything about this summer. well. not everything. the job can actually kinda suck at times. and sometimes i wanna go out, or am in the mood to go downtown or something, or wanna see my jokish friends from home, or my pesty pets, that kind of thing.

BUT! now that i'm inside three weeks of coming home-- im terrified! to leave! all the awesome people i have met here. why do i have to keep switching lives?!?! im so used to it here. and i like it. and now i have to leave... blast! curse it all!

well... the past few days i have actually been down in the canyon. it was- AMAZING! lauren and i hiked down the south kaibab trail on saturday. we got a late start because SOMEONE slept it (yes, that someone was me, and lauren had to knock on the door and wake me up, i was so disorientated and she was not at ALL suprised. oh, heavens. not my fault- i was up til 5 30 the night before and we had to leave by 9!) so yea. hiking down was awesome, you get amazing views of the canyon. my personal favorite was muffin man point (we named it ourselves...). we sat there for a while and admired. it was really incredible. the bottom was also incredible-- but SO HOT, wow. and-- lauren and i are GENIUSES, and did not bring flashlights into a pitch black canyon... cool. luckily we bought some at the phantom ranch shop thing. thank GOD. our campsite was right on bright angel creek- it was amazing. i was seriously amazed. in love. everything. one of the happiest ive ever been. beautiful, and so secluded and peaceful. and lauren and i sitting on the picnic table being ridiculous (sleeping bag in the dirt- sleeping in our unmentionables, picturing lauren hiking out in just her undies if her shorts blew away... HAa!). i slept in my trusty hammock... after the ordeal of trying to drag the 745 pound table across the campsite. disasters. love it.

next day- again got a late start. and hit the HEAT OF THE DAY- good. were making a book of how NOT to hike to the bottom of the grand canyon. it should be pretty good, and will probably save a lot of people. anyway-- HOT down there, made pretty slow progress along the river. which was fun, because i was just taking in the sites, and it was breathtaking. the river is amazing, and the north rim looks so close, and it is just wonderful. WONDERFUL. i couldnt look around enough (thus the title of this blog- from a death cab classic.) in LOVE! stopped at pine creek beach for a couple hours, laid in the water, on the rocks, cooled off and waited for clouds to come in before attempting devils corkscrew up to indian gardens. met some cool people down there, and dad and daughter from england and these three random young guys taking a road trip. one of them was telling us about his shrooming experience the night before and how he discovered his spirit animal ( a wolf). interesting.

finally left... hiked up to indian garden. HOT, and a little rough... but still fun. GORGEOUS. was getting back around to being able to see the south rim, in particular our area of the rim.. as far away as it was, it was comforting to be in sight of "home." i could actually distinguish which part of the rim was ours... it was cool! rested in this amazing creek, then hit indian gardens. SO BEAUTIFUL. big, gorgeous green trees and a lovely breeze, and the canyon looming up behind it, and the creek running through the middle. stopped and had a snack by this amazing old tree. i did a lot of sitting and looking on the hike. it was phenomenal.

met anthony at IG. messed with the squirrels (they are at their peak ridiculousness down there... yes, we threw rocks at some. they thought it was food. even after it hit them in the face. dumb.) then found our campsite and hung out. a lovely evening. the guys from the beack stopped by on their way up and chatted. shoulder pads and communism?? there was some conversation about that, i believe.....

then played a little cards and relaxed. mused over the mysterious wet spot in the dirt that wasn't drying up, even after several hours. (it was still there in the morning... huh.) then hit the sack! (the hammock). so incredible sleeping in that thing, under the trees and being able to see the stars and everything, down in the grand canyon. ahh. love.
hiked out the next day. not so bad, made pretty good time. except for the hail storm that started when lauren was still hiking out.... good. then milkshakes, relaxing, and wonderfulness!!

-an update-- i started this post a week ago. so i've had a whole week of events since the big hike. mainly work... and hanging out. went to williams on the train with meredith and lauren- so fun! ate at poncho "villas" (magillicuddies).. CHEESE FEST 09, good lord we ate so much cheese. then got huge pieces of pie.... then walked down the sketchiest street in all america to get to a gas station to buy beer. then back to the hotel room.. cards! and 90s music on youtube. a good night. rode home today on the train- luxury class! fo free! got to stand on the back and watch the scenery.. so gorgeous. then played some spades w/ "paco"... huh. pretty fun. tried to ride the plane in tusayan, DISASTER, ugh.... hung around at the pool. hung out at maswik (our last time :( can't believe it.. no more maswik sandwiches and pie.) rough day.
so yea- life here is good. cant believe im going back to my real life so soon. i will actually miss the bright angel restaurant---- trejo making me kiss him on the cheek, telling me he loves me (mi amor, i love you! thank you, mi amor!), john d being ridiculous in the kitchen, hearing him yell from across the restaurant. daniel sneaking chocolate milk and twix bars, maya and her ridiculous macedonian accent (In my country!!!!), ridiculously tall brad, klein and his obnoxious comments, calling me "kath," all that type of stuff. i've grown really attached i supposed. hanging out at daniels after work, having porch time w/ dawn and lauren, dawn being ridiculous ("son of a bitch!", and her sex therapy sessions). soo many things, i cant even begin to write about them all. im really worried about what home is gonna be like. what am i gonna feel like?? i am gonna miss people here so so so so much. my second life is ending! and i will never have it again!!

well i am currently on the porch (oh! the porch night where we were talking too loud and the guy in the lodge across the street yells "shut the hell up!!!!", then fire and security comes. good.). so i am pretty distracted. but i will write more soon. i just dont know where to start. what an ammmmaazzzzziiiiiiinnnngggg summer! oh, man.

Root Beer, Chocolate Milk, Very Little Sleep--- Living the DREAM!

oh, blog thing. i wish i updated more often. but when you work 30 hours a day, its pretty hard to find time! my life is seriously work, sleep, work, with a few extra things thrown in there when i find the time. and yet--- i am having an awesome summer and am so happy out here. i always get really attached to little things about certain places. such as here--- i LOVE sitting on the front porch of colter talking to people, usually dawn and lauren. any time of day or night, its always awesome. i love meeting dawn and lauren in kachina late after work and catching up on everyones days. i love goin down the hall and visiting the gift shop while im supposed to be working. i love maswik sandwiches, and drinking chocolate milk and root beer, root beer, and a lot more root beer and work. and hot chocolate, rolls, soup, crackers, whatever else i can sneak. and i love seeing people in the ecaf on my break, whoever is in there, i even sometimes love the chaos of the bright angel. and i like walking along the rim to work, or laying out on the balcony of colter before work and watching people walk by, seeing people i know heading to or from work and saying hello. i even like hauling ass to the uniform center to switch out my uniform before work starts and the fact that i am always, ALWAYS late for work. no matter what. i NEVER clock in on time. why not?!?!?! don't know.
dawn had a ridiculous situation involving an older (CREEPY) man, and it was fun discussing that with that ladies, and of course spiraling off into random tangents, and somehow the conversation ended in phone sex and different ways of absolutely ruining the phone sex experience. then was a glorious farting conversation, and lauren having the BEST fart ever... you have to know her. it was so unexpected, and she was looking off into the distance like she was gonna say something. hilarious... then i thought this gigantic rock on the porch was one of her shoes. gosh, the stuff that happens to us... getting yelled at by the bitchy lady on the bus on the way to rafting. THAT was one of the funniest days of the summer, if not of my life. corn husk dolls, brick the driver ("it's because you're a woman!" -- really?!!?), moley on the river, more hypotheticals than i can remember. rafting was awesome, and sedone with q and lauren was awesome, SO FUN! went to grasshopper pt. and found our own little spot on the stream, swam and layed out. then walked around downtown sedona, ate at this delicious mexican place looking out over the gorgeous scenery, BEST chips and salsa, BEST rainbow, best day!!
been working all week.... bleehh. night hike last night with daniel, lauren, and lily! looked really cool out, but the BA is def. not the best trail to moon hike on. oh well, it was fun. once again-- endless what ifs! (i blame rebecca jane holton COMPLETELY for this). i had a lot of fun, though i was stupid enough to wear my chacos down there. then sat on the porch with daniel til like 4 or so in the morning :) ! hit the pool in tusayan again, LOVEEEE IT! going tomorrow because i dont have to work til six. so wonderful. then going alllllll day saturday. oh god, cant wait. just laying out with some beer, then ice cream in tusayan, then NOT WORKING! what is better than that?? nothing.
so yea. a whole lotta regular stuff. but for some reason--- its just amazing. i really really love it here. three day camping trip to the river comin up with lil, lauren, eli, and anthony.. 4 of my favorite people here! i am SO EXCITED, finally gettin to the bottom of the canyon! YAY!! and gonna use my hammock. HELL YES. thanks to quetzal and terry (our bosses) OBSESSION with him that i got the third day off. i asked-- straight no. he asked (and she thinks were dating) and i get the day off. corrupt, but whatever. she's getting had. and im going to the bottom. eat it, terry! and then later in the month (a few days before we leave :( so weird) goin on the train to williams with the girls, just gonna get drunk and be ridiculous and be together! ahhhhh, i love my friends here so much. ive just met so many people, and people from ALL over the place literally, and i like the people i work with a lot. dude---- this summer has been so kick ass. im just so so happy, despite working so much and crappy living conditions and missing athens and my friends a lot... just happy here! and glad that ive seen that i am able to go out on my own and adapt and love it. i honestly see myself in the future (maybe even the near future-- scary!) going out on my own, AWAY from georgia. i feel it coming, i just know it is... ahhhahahHA! people do it all the time.. its fine!
but for now-- im here. talked to my sis on the phone today and she reminded me of that. i said something about being glad to come home but knowing i would miss it so much here, and how fast the summer is going by and how long its been since i was in athens and all that- and she was just like "yea itll be fun to come back. but for now-- just be there!" EXACTLY! just need to be where i am. and appreciate it. 20 has the been the best best age. i feel so full (so WHOLE :) !), and expectant.. but satisfyingly so. i feel like ive grown a lot emotionally, and relationally with people, and spiritually- just trusting in an eternal power and a God that IS findable and relatable, one that CAN make sense and that doesn't cause frustration, but only wonder and joy. and this God becomes more and more real all the time, and the voice that isnt my own becomes louder all the time, and it is so amazing.
alright, enough ridiculousness.i gotta go because i think daniel is gonna bring me some grapes-- talk about the nicest guy ever!
night!

"Oh! Compressed T-Shirts! Wash Twice."

Ah. Hello journal thing. i suppose its sorta been awhile. been working quite a bit, it kind of overtakes my life a bit. ive had the past couple days off, which was nice. worked a lot last week... but it was actually kinda fun. the BA is actually growing on me quite a bit. i will probably stay there til the end of the summer rather than going back to the AZ. its not too much longer, and i make more money in the BA.
so yea. just been hangin out. havent hiked too much recently... oops. im in the process of planning my rim to rim, because i AM doing it. i also think a bunch of us girls are gonna go to the river and back and camp at indian gardens and stuff. that would be lots of fun.
ah yes. can't remember the last time i wrote, so i cant really remember whats happened since then. sketchy party where everyone was speaking spanish, left and ended up at my friend happy's place, where everyone was speaking thai.... good. hung out with him for a bit, had some wine (broke his wine glass). been eating quite a few full bags of popcorn at one in the morning... theres nothing else to eat!!
went to the pool in tusayan yesterday to lay out with lauren and lilly. it was lovely til these obnoxious kids kept running from as far back as possible and leaping into the pool right next to us. umm.... other end of the pool, kids. also was in tusayan a few days ago playing pool. but thats right, im not 21, and thus had to leave at like 9:30. so annoying! then last night me, lauren, and matt were gonna go try to play pool at maswik BUT! they were checking id's that night. they never check ids! so, there goes that. can i please just play pool?? thats all i want! gosh.
went over to ray's (bartender at the AZ) a few days ago with lauren to have shrimp gumbo. we were in the wrong building for a while, knocking on random doors trying to find him. it was pretty awesome.
like i said, i work most nights, so i haven't really been up to much. the BA is crazy, so much more chaotic than the AZ room... i miss the people in the az, and whenever i go up there they all tell me they want me back! but the BA has its perks too.. more young people. more money. so i guess im really fine with either. i do miss being able to look out over the canyon while im at work though...
oh! lauren and i hiked a bit of hermit's rest a few days ago. we were looking at all the rocks on the sides of the trail because they have all these fossils in them. like sea shells and sponges, according to some random piece of paper we found floating along the side of the trail (yes that really happened. it was crazy.) it was pretty cool. then we went off the trail for a bit out to this outcrop plateau. it was pretty fun. at one point i decided to take a little exploration up this big slope on the side of the trail. ended up sliding like six feet on my ass on my way back down in this huge cloud of dust, dragging this poor root along with me. lauren said it was really funny to watch- i quite believe her.
watched part of this awesome movie at matt's last night- can't remember what its called, but its basically just images of a bunch of random stuff, like waves or storms or demolitions, and then this awesome music in the backgroud. me and lauren were pretty much entranced.. oh, also watched this video at this other dudes apartment, for some reason i am obsessed with it..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxZJTRhcFg4 . i just love it.
so yea. eaten breakfast at el tovar a few more times. SO GOOD, oh my gosh. cinnamon rolls from heaven. been craving mexican food for quite a while now-- gotta get to flag soon.
so yea. half way done here, or more! which is crazy. i still want to get to sedona, and hike rim to rim. and camp if possible.
i am pretty used to living here now. i feel like i know a lot of people and have stuff to do and work a lot and all that. its weird to me that i'll be going home. i mean, i still have like a month. but months pass so fast these days it seems like! i am super excited about the house and all, and seeing everyone again, and athens and downtown-- but i am loving this for now. i almost would rather stay here for longer. i am already looking into stuff to do next summer. i would really love to go abroad somewhere. i think there is much traveling in my future. i am seeing that i am not going to be a stationary person for a while, not til im older. i mean, im pretty sure grad school and whatnot is gonna have wait, because after college and i am GOING somewhere, im doing something out of my comfort zone. maybe an environmental peace corps type thing, some type of volunteer environmental thing abroad. ive already looked into working as a volunteer at different animal reserves and stuff in south africa and whatnot. there is so much cool stuff out there to do... and you really CAN do it. theres nothing stopping you, really, except thinking that you shouldn't. i think ive learned that being out here, looking at these peoples lives who are here and all the places theyve been and worked. its just so different from the pattern i see in people at home and what they do with their lives. and honestly, this appeals to me more. they have less money and less stability and i think its awesome. once again, i have this huge temptation to drop out of school. BUT, i wont, ill get my degree. blast. itll be great. i can handle two more years in athens. especially since i know that afterwards there is awesome stuff waiting for me. i cant wait for it!

"They're just the rules of the game, and the rules are the first to go."

Hello, children.
This is gonna be a short post, BUT! nonetheless it's an important. i have had a fantastic past few days. wonderful, really. i've just been in such a good mood and loving being here and just really content. i love the people that i've met and i love not having school and not doing the same thing over and over, and honestly i like that i am making money for once. i mean i am by no means making a lot, but i am definitely making more than i ever have before. i will actually have enough to buy a camera this fall, and i'm saving a bunch of it for traveling. it's just nice to be able to buy stuff with money that i have worked for--- because YES my parents still fully support me. i have now had that conversation several times with people out here. turns out that is pretty rare at the age of 20...but my parents insist. honestly, they do. all the money of my own i am using out here on food and stuff, they are reimbursing me for. their idea! hm....
anyway. some awesome things have happened recently.
a) tony-- i think that's his name???--this awesome thai kid that works in the BA and likes me for some reason. i can always see him across the kitchen from the AZ room window, and he's on the other side of the counter in the BA kitchen. one time he called to me and started singing "kathryn, kathryn-- over there, over there!!" but it sounded like "Kat-a-lyn, Kat-a-lyn! Ova dea! Ova dea!" across this huge kitchen. i think i have said this before... but it was awesome. and today.. he was calling me because i was sitting in the az window. then he would duck under the counter and peek up every few seconds.. he's hilarious. then he started doing the stair/elevator thing people do when you can't see their feet.. and saying really corny stuff like "see you tomorrow!" and "goin to work!" he is so funny. and his accent makes everything better.
b) got an awesome letter from my sister. she was talking about the donald miller book "through painted deserts" and how he talks about leaving your routine so you can step back and look at it more clearly, and it makes more sense. and all that kinda stuff. it was a great letter. i also got an awesome package from her-- it included fake mustaches. KEY.
c) tarantual. on my bed. yesterday. oh lord. my roommate tells me last night, as i'm laying in bed-- "there was a tarantula on your bed earlier today. it was about as big as my palm. i got it onto the floor and killed it. it was huge and hairy." uhhh WHAT??!?!!?!?!?! i about freaked out. needless to say i couldnt sleep all night. oh, arizona.
d) star party tonight. a bunch of astronomy nerds come to certain places with their expensive amazing telescopes and you can go and look at stuff. it was AWESOME!!! saw saturn (rings and all, and a moon!) a bunch of awesome constellations, the milky way. so cool.
e) breakfast at el tovar this morning with lauren. SO DELICIOUS. real food. REAL GOOD. oh my gosh best omelet thing ever. and the restaurant is so cozy and lodge like. loved it. LOVED IT. and lauren is just awesome. the classic "So I got into my room... and my roommate was cooking a steak in a toaster oven on her bed" quote. her crazy roommate, who opens trashbags and scoops coins off of her bed into a bucket in the middle of the night. and sets rat traps and egg shells on the floor. and the "cream horn-- don't know what it is but i want one!" goooooood times. OH. and her short pants and white socks today... uhhh.. nice.
f) going on a date on friday! this dude i work with. don't know him too well, but he seems pretty cool. its really just a hang out. pizza and beer- YES! and in tusayan, will be so nice to get out of the park for a bit. and not have to pay for it... ahhhhh. lovely.
g) cute cook with the limp from the BA is back. haven't seen him in a while but he's back and cute as ever---in my opinion (which many do not agree with.) one of these days i will talk to him. and another of these days i will stop being in love with everyone. .... ............. maybe.
h) last, and best, thing that has happened recently. got the best compliment today i think i have ever gotten. this busser at the AZ room i work with named Tom--- older guy, quite unique, always talking to you about literature and meditation and all that kinda stuff. today he said to me "one of these days, when i know you better, i am going to ask you where you get your tranquility from." and i was just like whatttt??? and he was like "good parenting? or maybe you just came into the world with natural good sense and independence? you just seem well prepared, and at such a young age. the world doesn't seem like it has shifted your perspective. i wish i had been like that when i was 20." i was just blown away. just the fact that he said i had an essence of tranquility and independence--- that is exactly what i've been thinking about since i've been here! and basically for the last year or so, maybe since college started. i just couldn't believe he said it so bluntly. i was so flattered, i've been thinking about it all day. and he is really into meditation and understanding consciousness and detaching yourself from the things the world tells you you need, and all that. which is all stuff i've thought about a lot, especially since i started reading the upanishads earlier this year. so yea. it was amazing. i'm still blown away that he was so honest about it. it was incredibly encouraging. best thing that has happened since i've been here (except for maybe some of the hikes... god i love hiking.)

so, that is my life in a nutshell at the moment. i am truly loving it here right now. it is amazing. i don't know if it's just the growing ive been doing, or if its being here, or if im talking myself into it or what--- but i feel like i've discovered such a happiness since i've been here. its crazy. ALSO. i have decided that i want to write a book. or maybe a journal. but i feel like i want to attempt to publish it one day. it is going to be called "the reality of god." it is basically the kind of i thing i think about all the time... it is really too confusing and complex to explain here. it is not exactly a justification of god's existence. actually not at all. its more of an exploration into "reality" and how this parallels different religions and and conceptions of God, and what i have found in my own life to be "reality", and thus (for me), to be representative of God. there is so much i want to put into it.. sort of how SOMETHING in this universe is static while everything else is dynamic... and that this is god. and trying to relate this to a relational aspect. like how a driving force can also be a relational force. it's a little confusing... but i feel the need to write it. well see what happens.

HOWEVA! bedtime. goodnight.

Umbilical Moonrise

Another post. Finally. I feel like it's been awhile. I've been up to a lot of stuff actually-- not gonna write about all of it here, but yea! life in the canyon definitely moves along just like life anywhere else. things change and you meet new people and you get comfortable and you have your little worries and problems and routines and blah blah. the best part about this last week was that i've hit the point where i've seen everything that is "bad" about this place, and i've come to terms with all the things that aren't like i thought they'd be, and i've calmed myself down and (for the most part) gotten rid of my homesickness (i will, after all, be home in less than two months. and it'll be great. but no need to rush it! it's summer!!)... and, after all that- i've realized that i am GLAD i came here, and that i like the things i'm learning here and the type of people i'm meeting, and how i'm seeing that where i live (and college in general) IS in fact a bubble and that wherever you go (maybe not WHEREVER... but places other than where you are), you will meet people you get along with and who have interesting things to say and like to do the things you like to do and are interested in you and all that. and i'm really glad to know that i have the ability to come out to a place i know nothing about on my own and make it! and that i have the independence to WANT to do that... like i said in an earlier post, i'm big on independence. one day, when i actually support myself and really stand on my own two feet, and can choose where i want to go and live---- i really think i'm gonna love that. that is the probably the best part about being here. i've honestly had a bit of a hard time adjusting, it is just so different, so far away from everything and everyone you know.. but it's refreshing! i love it so much, i think deep down it just rejuvenates me and makes me feel alive.
if we're being honest-- one thing i really DON'T like about it here... the creepy older men. i've seriously never been hit on so much in my life. and i'm not bragging or anything- i really have NEVER experienced this type of attention from men. and a lot of them are the kind of men you DON'T want attention from. and it's hard to dissuade them... eh. it's awkward. some of them are just being cute and flirting... but others are just way too forward and excessively obnoxious about it. it really isn't fun. i like hanging out with the cool ones- but the creeps ones are creeeeeps.... blehh. maybe sometimes people just wanna be left alone! just leave me alone, gosh honestly. it'll be a relief to get back to athens, and uga boys who have no idea you're there. that's what i'm used to, and i miss it quite honestly!
anyway. went out to this place called desert view for the sunset a few days ago. there's a watchtower there, but we couldn't go to the top because it closes at 7:30 (umm, thats like 10 minutes before sunset?? umm, dumb.) so that sucked, but it was a new view of the canyon, and you can see the desert land all along the other sign, and a big portion of the colorado river. it was neat. went w/ this guy from work, ended up chattin w/ him most of the night. he's pretty cool, told me about this game he plays in the utah desert-- it involves hiding beer and then going out looking for it. it sounded pretty fun.
worked a bunch last week. i'm actually moving from the az room to the bright angel (BA), which i am not at all happy about. i will have only two nights off a week (i'm used to having 5...) and i have longer shifts, and it's crazier in there and there's not an amazing view of the canyon. lame. ughh... but i will make a good bit more money. ughhh WHO CARES!!! damn it all. i like the az room a lot-- i do not wanna switch at all.
hiked today, for the first time in a while. it was amazing. went to this place called battleship, its down the bright angel trail, then off on this real steep rocky ridge and down some more, and its this huge rock formation. we climbed all the way to the top, it was incredible. literally rock climbing at points, through tiny cracks in the rocks and whatnot. definitely the most intense i've yet done. i had SUCH a good time, gorgeous view from the top, very adventurous and rugged area to get through to get there. had to follow these little rock piles called karens (cairns??), got scratched by many a yucca ( a reallllly sharp cactus thing), all of us ate it by slipping on rocks at some point- so much fun. hiking really never gets old. the hike back up was bit difficult. anthony and i were booking it, just wanted to get it done with. exhausting. im in maswik right now- had a big bowl of penne pasta, a grande burrito and rice, and hot chocolate. a monster meal, really. but soo gooooood!
so yea. basically i am really loving it here still. talked to multiple people who have worked in yellowstone and said that is amazing, so much to do and awesome people. blah blah-- so for a few days i was really bitter that i came here instead of there. but i am over that. i honestly like where i am, and i like that i came here, and i like the people i've met. i just don't know how i can go back to athens for 9 months after. i mean, i LOVE athens like crazy. but being stationary for that long just doesn't appeal to me. i wanna see NEW things. and meet NEW people. i've already been in athens- new things! i am already looking into what i wanna do next summer. i am absolutely gonna travel somewhere new. we'll see where-- but i've fallen in love with it. with being out in the wide world on my own and discovering things completely of my own accord! i can't even describe it, but it's so amazing and i want to keep doing it. i am just excited about all the other things and places i will see in the future!