Several things should probably be said in this post. Some will be, some won't.
To begin, I need a new blog. Where I actually consistently post things that are not specifically rants and are maybe even mildly educational. And where my profile isn't still from the day of this blog's creation when I was 20 years old, painfully so, and just a tiny bit different of a person than I am now. But I am too sentimental to change the profile, so it makes way more sense to just create a whole new blog.
I also do not like the black background and white text.... sooo that will not be a part of my new blog.
Ahem.
What else was I going to say, oh my GOSH I don't remember...??? I think about so many things that I want to expand upon on a daily basis that don't get written down anywhere and then get lost in the cranial sandstorm for days, weeks, months, forever. Though I can't really claim that any of them have been lost forever, because I suppose any of them could resurface at some point.
There are so many millions of things that I want to research and really, truly, deeply understand on a deeper level. I want to incorporate them into my as-of-yet un-incorporated daily mindfulness routine, daily discourse with my spirit guides, daily meditation, whatever title is the least upsetting to you--- but I don't seem to even have the discipline to get the routine down, much less identifying, categorizing, prioritizing, and incorporating the topics I'd like to study INTO said "routine." What do I do?
One of many many things I've been exploring, however superficially, is attempting to remember my dreams and thus interpret and understand them. I have no trouble whatsoever believing that dreams are messages from our subconscious mind, images and symbols and insights from the world(s) beyond our 5-sense daily construct, and that understanding these messages and symbols can GREATLY enhance our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, even our paths and communications with our deeper selves and with other beings we are connected with.
This "dream work" has many moving pieces and I am still sorting them out. I am trying to severely limit any mind-altering substances--no caffeine, no alcohol, etc.--- to make sure that my mind is functioning optimally. I suppose I could extend that credo outward to include all types of health-related lifestyle choices and changes, but I'll get into that later. I am trying to get good sleep on a regular schedule, and have been taking notes of the dream snippets I remember. The trouble is I remember so FEW of the dreams, only bits and pieces here and there, unless I jump out of bed in the middle of the night and right down the dream as SOON as it happens. The vast majority of it is lost within minutes of waking up.
I'm feeling inspired. I am going to put a journal by my bed tonight, and if I wake up from a dream that I can vividly remember, I am going to just bite the bullet and write it down. It might ruin the rest of the night's sleep, but then again, maybe not!
I have a task- and now I am going to brush my teeth and get to bed, and finish the blog post later.
Not gonna finish it actually. Just gonna post this lil piece:):):)
Monday, June 22, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Try to remain calm!
Dang.
I have been catapulted through the brick wall of ignorance. And ya it is pretty painful.
Well, not really "catapulted"... to be fair, and a little prideful, I have always had a bit of an intuitive awareness of what is going on and the extent of truth that is being shielded from all of us (ok, to be FAIR fair, all of us have this intuitive awareness, but I feel I've always been more aware of this awareness than the people I'm surrounded by, and more dissatisfied and weary of the bizarre and destructive society we live in, but yes, all of us have this deep feeling of unease that I am referring to).
THE POINT IS- I've made large strides in the direction of understanding the (frightening) absurdity of what is going on in our world and TO US as humans, strides in the same direction I've been facing pretty much my entire life but been hesitant to move in (or dissuaded from moving in, directly or indirectly, by my surroundings, relationships, education, etc.).
Are you following?
Ok so this post has officially been sporadically added to over the past two weeks, and really makes no cohesive sense whatsoever and I am not even 100% positive what precise point I was trying to make in the first place... I have a lot on my mind, pretty much all the time, and a lot of things that I would love to get out into a processable format on a blog post, but it seems that THIS post is not really destined for that type of existence. I think it might be best to just wrap it up and hope that my next post is a little more organized.
The general point of this post (other than frustration at the lack of understanding that I see ALL AROUND ME of how our society and our world is really working right now... the extent of environmental destruction, the SERIOUS reality of humans rights violations and NATURAL LAW violations all in the name of "economic growth"- i.e. over-consumption, materialist and capitalist brainwashing, the incredibly evil doings of our (and other) government(s), and ESPECIALLY the true spiritual power, the sheer magnitude of POWER that humans possess but that is brainwashed out of us literally from day one when we are yanked unceremoniously from our drugged mothers) ---- The GENERAL POINT of this post, other than all that, IS....
INAUTHENTICITY. EVERYWHERE. As Tom Robbins says... "The lack of authentic experience." Everything is a sham. YES! YES! Please don't breeze over this quote and think "yeah, yeah, we know, it's all a sham." If you're breezing over this sentiment, if you're not disturbed and upset and annoyed and introspective about this (or have never had said feelings about this previously) then you really aren't thinking about it enough. And if you don't think it's worth thinking about and reflecting on, then you're really missing the bigger picture on a deeper level.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T BLOG, because there's too much behind every single thing I want to say and I don't know where to even begin, where to broach the topics and get into every important aspect so that each thing is fully elaborated on and makes sense. There's a lot of cliche and common sentiments being shared.. but I worry that people hear them over and over again and don't really understand them. Stressed.
From what I see of human life here in the developed western world, here in the United States... we are essentially living in a plastic Barbie-type dollhouse that is NOT connected to the real essence of life, the real force of the universe. We are laughably disconnected from what sustains us and what is truly inherently meaningful to our human souls. What are these things I'm talking about that are REAL, that are INNATELY CONNECTED to our innermost, higher selves, our shared life force?
EACH OTHER. OUR PLANET. ANIMALS. LOVE (the force of awakening and expanding consciousness, not a romantic or even benevolent emotion/action, though that is part of it). PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL connection with the LIVING, BREATHING PLANET that gives us life. If you are not grieving, angry, confused, and discouraged daily about the state of this planet, then I DO NOT understand you and am one hundred million percent confident that you are not fully aware of the situation we are in and what it means for us a species, physically and spiritually. Your spirituality DOES suffer along with this planet. Guaranteed. There is no way around that. I know that we are raised and bred and institutionalized not to understand this... so I can't get angry and mad at people. But to me, when this sentiment is as clear as daylight and I can literally FEEL it in every sense of my being... it just blows my mind that people don't understand this. Your job is NOT more important. Your master's degree is NOT more important. Your material items (obviously) are NOT (more) IMPORTANT. I just want people to stop posting BULLSHIT all over their bullshit social media pages all over the place and start caring and SHOWING that they care about real, actual, ACTUAL LIFE. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
Oh god I am spiraling into real, whirlwinding anger. I am going to stop blogging now.... This post is truly a disaster, but maybe it existing will release a little of my inner tension and I'll be able to come back and write a sensible and relatable post sometime soon. We'll see.
Good luck everyone. Please try and wake up and see the world around you, and care about it. Please please please please please.
I have been catapulted through the brick wall of ignorance. And ya it is pretty painful.
Well, not really "catapulted"... to be fair, and a little prideful, I have always had a bit of an intuitive awareness of what is going on and the extent of truth that is being shielded from all of us (ok, to be FAIR fair, all of us have this intuitive awareness, but I feel I've always been more aware of this awareness than the people I'm surrounded by, and more dissatisfied and weary of the bizarre and destructive society we live in, but yes, all of us have this deep feeling of unease that I am referring to).
THE POINT IS- I've made large strides in the direction of understanding the (frightening) absurdity of what is going on in our world and TO US as humans, strides in the same direction I've been facing pretty much my entire life but been hesitant to move in (or dissuaded from moving in, directly or indirectly, by my surroundings, relationships, education, etc.).
Are you following?
I am so fed up with mindless living. I see it all around me all the time and it
has always really bothered me, even at a subconscious level, but it’s starting
to really rise to the surface and is
beginning to cause actual anger and distress rather than just simple
annoyance. It is as plain as daylight to
me now just how much we are all taught and molded to focus on all these things
that DO NOT MATTER. Not only do we focus
on them, but we POUR our vital, powerful, magical human energy into them. We do this at the expense of truly SEEING and
CONNECTING with the bigger, more real, and more beautiful world around us. Instead, we are investing our souls into
things that drain, diminish, corrupt, and neutralize our innate power—our power
to understand the universe and discover our place in it. The things that we all assume are harmless
are NOT. They are symptoms of the
disease of disconnection rampant in all of us, ESPECIALLY in the United
States. Our wealth is cheap and
repulsive.
There are a lot of thoughts and examples
behind that paragraph that to me are self-evident but that a reader who doesn’t
have my mindset will not understand. I
will try to explain… but how do I put years, my entire lifetime actually, of
discontent and confusion at the absurdity of our American lifestyles into a
concise post? I will not really be
saying anything that has not been said a million times before, but I am a
strong believer in the power of written words and feel that expressing my
thoughts, however trite they may be amongst those of us who actually use our
brains and our eyes (all three of them!), will release both frustration and
locked up power. Expressive freedom has
amazing effects, and that is what I am looking for.
_________________________________________________________Ok so this post has officially been sporadically added to over the past two weeks, and really makes no cohesive sense whatsoever and I am not even 100% positive what precise point I was trying to make in the first place... I have a lot on my mind, pretty much all the time, and a lot of things that I would love to get out into a processable format on a blog post, but it seems that THIS post is not really destined for that type of existence. I think it might be best to just wrap it up and hope that my next post is a little more organized.
The general point of this post (other than frustration at the lack of understanding that I see ALL AROUND ME of how our society and our world is really working right now... the extent of environmental destruction, the SERIOUS reality of humans rights violations and NATURAL LAW violations all in the name of "economic growth"- i.e. over-consumption, materialist and capitalist brainwashing, the incredibly evil doings of our (and other) government(s), and ESPECIALLY the true spiritual power, the sheer magnitude of POWER that humans possess but that is brainwashed out of us literally from day one when we are yanked unceremoniously from our drugged mothers) ---- The GENERAL POINT of this post, other than all that, IS....
INAUTHENTICITY. EVERYWHERE. As Tom Robbins says... "The lack of authentic experience." Everything is a sham. YES! YES! Please don't breeze over this quote and think "yeah, yeah, we know, it's all a sham." If you're breezing over this sentiment, if you're not disturbed and upset and annoyed and introspective about this (or have never had said feelings about this previously) then you really aren't thinking about it enough. And if you don't think it's worth thinking about and reflecting on, then you're really missing the bigger picture on a deeper level.
THIS IS WHY I DON'T BLOG, because there's too much behind every single thing I want to say and I don't know where to even begin, where to broach the topics and get into every important aspect so that each thing is fully elaborated on and makes sense. There's a lot of cliche and common sentiments being shared.. but I worry that people hear them over and over again and don't really understand them. Stressed.
From what I see of human life here in the developed western world, here in the United States... we are essentially living in a plastic Barbie-type dollhouse that is NOT connected to the real essence of life, the real force of the universe. We are laughably disconnected from what sustains us and what is truly inherently meaningful to our human souls. What are these things I'm talking about that are REAL, that are INNATELY CONNECTED to our innermost, higher selves, our shared life force?
EACH OTHER. OUR PLANET. ANIMALS. LOVE (the force of awakening and expanding consciousness, not a romantic or even benevolent emotion/action, though that is part of it). PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL connection with the LIVING, BREATHING PLANET that gives us life. If you are not grieving, angry, confused, and discouraged daily about the state of this planet, then I DO NOT understand you and am one hundred million percent confident that you are not fully aware of the situation we are in and what it means for us a species, physically and spiritually. Your spirituality DOES suffer along with this planet. Guaranteed. There is no way around that. I know that we are raised and bred and institutionalized not to understand this... so I can't get angry and mad at people. But to me, when this sentiment is as clear as daylight and I can literally FEEL it in every sense of my being... it just blows my mind that people don't understand this. Your job is NOT more important. Your master's degree is NOT more important. Your material items (obviously) are NOT (more) IMPORTANT. I just want people to stop posting BULLSHIT all over their bullshit social media pages all over the place and start caring and SHOWING that they care about real, actual, ACTUAL LIFE. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........
Oh god I am spiraling into real, whirlwinding anger. I am going to stop blogging now.... This post is truly a disaster, but maybe it existing will release a little of my inner tension and I'll be able to come back and write a sensible and relatable post sometime soon. We'll see.
Good luck everyone. Please try and wake up and see the world around you, and care about it. Please please please please please.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Self-Love (?)
Blogging at work is most excellent. I shall do so now.
This is going to be really short, and is more or less for my own benefit and a means for putting this thought down somewhere where I can find it again, rather than on the back of a piece of paper that I will almost definitely throw away without remembering the philosophical nugget on the back. I wonder how many insights and ideas I've written down and thrown away and forgotten. It's a real shame my brain is low-functioning in the area of memory and recall...
Alas. I am thinking about self love/self-love, and about hyphens, as I struggle to get a full six hours in at the office. Not a typo, SIX, I really don't have that much to do. I guess that's better then the alternative, but I wouldn't mind being a little busier. idigress:
I've had a minor breakthrough recently about self love, and am a bit annoyed at myself for not giving this thought much thought earlier in my life. This idea seems so OBVIOUS to me know that I think about it, and maybe it is to a lot of people and I'm just a remedial philosopher and psychological investigator, doesn't matter, I've arrived in my awareness now and it feels pretty important that I have done so. To me. Ahem:
Self love is much, much, much bigger than self acceptance, coming to terms with one's flaws and imperfections, and being happy with yourself the way you are and the way you look and all of that stuff. It's bigger than valuing and appreciating your individuality and your ability to operate and connect and experience your personal physical existence. I feel like that is the impression I've had of self love for my entire life and it suddenly seems so small and pinpricked compared to what self love actually is. I guess that is all people ever really talk about when they talk about loving yourself- eating well and exercising and accepting your awkward laugh and your cellulite and whatever. Which is all important and I think people do indeed need to understand and practice those things. BUT! LOVING yourself, I now believe, is achieved only through the ACTIVE SEEKING of your emotional, mental, and spiritual potential, and raising your awareness accordingly. Enlightenment, basically. Well, maybe more the growth towards enlightenment. That is self love. Seeking and awakening and truly desiring access to your higher self/Self. If you are not active and intentional about growing in your awareness and your understanding of Self and Universe and your spiritual abilities, you are not practicing full self love and you will "suffer" accordingly. This concept is going to be filtered through your religious beliefs of course (or lack thereof) but I don't think that really matters. Like I said, I cannot believe I didn't really think about this or understand it sooner. Self love is a pursuit of awakening and expanded consciousness. Love is the force that presses consciousness outward and upward and in all directions. It's so obvious! It's so clear! Self love is the shunning, the battle, against ignorance, close-mindedness, obliviousness, apathy, unawareness, complacency, and on and on with synonyms of those words. It is FLEEING FROM SHEEPLEHOOD! It is balancing your consciousness so that you think-->you feel-->you act in harmony (mark passio's words, thank you mark).
I could elaborate, but I want to get out of the office and go home for Taco Night and being forced to watch the Bachelor season finale with my silly friends. In the name of awakening, not in the name of numbing and mindless entertainment, I assure you. Though I definitely relish the irony I've just posed.
Ok, there's my insight. I will come back and read it in a week or two and make a judgment call then.
Adieu!
Mark Passio's podcast has nudged me to this illumination. What on earth IS happening??
What on Earth is Happening? WEBSITE :)
Mark Passio- Episode 3
This is going to be really short, and is more or less for my own benefit and a means for putting this thought down somewhere where I can find it again, rather than on the back of a piece of paper that I will almost definitely throw away without remembering the philosophical nugget on the back. I wonder how many insights and ideas I've written down and thrown away and forgotten. It's a real shame my brain is low-functioning in the area of memory and recall...
Alas. I am thinking about self love/self-love, and about hyphens, as I struggle to get a full six hours in at the office. Not a typo, SIX, I really don't have that much to do. I guess that's better then the alternative, but I wouldn't mind being a little busier. idigress:
I've had a minor breakthrough recently about self love, and am a bit annoyed at myself for not giving this thought much thought earlier in my life. This idea seems so OBVIOUS to me know that I think about it, and maybe it is to a lot of people and I'm just a remedial philosopher and psychological investigator, doesn't matter, I've arrived in my awareness now and it feels pretty important that I have done so. To me. Ahem:
Self love is much, much, much bigger than self acceptance, coming to terms with one's flaws and imperfections, and being happy with yourself the way you are and the way you look and all of that stuff. It's bigger than valuing and appreciating your individuality and your ability to operate and connect and experience your personal physical existence. I feel like that is the impression I've had of self love for my entire life and it suddenly seems so small and pinpricked compared to what self love actually is. I guess that is all people ever really talk about when they talk about loving yourself- eating well and exercising and accepting your awkward laugh and your cellulite and whatever. Which is all important and I think people do indeed need to understand and practice those things. BUT! LOVING yourself, I now believe, is achieved only through the ACTIVE SEEKING of your emotional, mental, and spiritual potential, and raising your awareness accordingly. Enlightenment, basically. Well, maybe more the growth towards enlightenment. That is self love. Seeking and awakening and truly desiring access to your higher self/Self. If you are not active and intentional about growing in your awareness and your understanding of Self and Universe and your spiritual abilities, you are not practicing full self love and you will "suffer" accordingly. This concept is going to be filtered through your religious beliefs of course (or lack thereof) but I don't think that really matters. Like I said, I cannot believe I didn't really think about this or understand it sooner. Self love is a pursuit of awakening and expanded consciousness. Love is the force that presses consciousness outward and upward and in all directions. It's so obvious! It's so clear! Self love is the shunning, the battle, against ignorance, close-mindedness, obliviousness, apathy, unawareness, complacency, and on and on with synonyms of those words. It is FLEEING FROM SHEEPLEHOOD! It is balancing your consciousness so that you think-->you feel-->you act in harmony (mark passio's words, thank you mark).
I could elaborate, but I want to get out of the office and go home for Taco Night and being forced to watch the Bachelor season finale with my silly friends. In the name of awakening, not in the name of numbing and mindless entertainment, I assure you. Though I definitely relish the irony I've just posed.
Ok, there's my insight. I will come back and read it in a week or two and make a judgment call then.
Adieu!
Mark Passio's podcast has nudged me to this illumination. What on earth IS happening??
What on Earth is Happening? WEBSITE :)
Mark Passio- Episode 3
Friday, December 5, 2014
The Anthropocene
Shall I revisit my old, faithful, neglected blog?
Why not?
I am feeling frustrated today. The morning began with a baby mouse stuck on a sticky-trap in the kitchen. A STICKY TRAP?? REALLY?? Are we barbarians?? My idiot, selfish, ignorant roommate bought sticky traps for the "mouse problem." And I awoke to find a perfectly coherent baby mouse stuck to one, all four paws and his jaw, still fully conscious and squeeking. So.... my roommate tells me to put it in a bag and throw it in the trash. So I do. This is obviously a cruel, cruel, evil, evil thing to do and I am THE BIGGEST softy with animals, so what's my internal plan? To retrieve it from the trash in secret, somehow free it from it's sticky prison, and LET IT GO OUTSIDE!! What do I care if it comes back in the house? (I don't). Or gets eaten by a cat? (That's at least a TAD more natural of a death). Will I have it perish in absolute fear, all-fours stuck to a hellish goo? NO. So my roommate comes to ask if I threw it out, I say yes, we both talk about how bad we feel for it (different roommate than bought the sticky traps), and how we need to not use sticky traps anymore. She says she is going to have our other roommate squish it to put it out of it's misery. Yes, good idea, obviously preferable to having it suffocate in the dark of the trashcan on the sticky trap. But now there's no way for me to rescue it. I am too embarrassed to speak up and say I want to free it, and she doesn't want it released outside because it will come right back in (which it will). So I agree, And roommate #4 goes outside and squishes it. And now baby mouse is dead. And I feel terrible. And angry. And guilty. I don't know that I could have actually saved it, the trap was EXTREMELY sticky. But I could have tried. And that has set the tone for the day.
(The incident was followed rapidly by me leaving the house for work, trying to get coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, driving around the block to go the "fast way" and getting stuck at several traffic lights, only to see that the parking lot is packed with Drive-Thruers and ambulances (??) and forcing me to abandon my decaf; Which is for the best- I (and everyone) do not need the chemical nonsense served by Dunkin' Donuts. A second, less dramatic failure (success?) for the morning).
Ok so I'm at work, emotionally healing myself from the mouse ordeal, finding solace in the fact that baby has joined the spirit world. Trying not to think about what an exciting winter he might have had, scurrying through leaves, hoarding his little seeds and crumbs, making brave escapes from the neighbors' cats. (Ridiculous, obviously. Sort of. Romantacized. But... Alas. He could have had a life, nonetheless).
*Well, several hours have passed so I'm feeling a bit less frustrated. Not less sad about my poor mouse friend, but I've had other things to do and managed not to dwell on it too much. Nothing like distraction to make you forget your woes.
That being said, the other avenue of my frustration was--of course--stress and anxiety and grief and anger over environmental issues. That is constant with me, of course, but more pronounced at some times than others. I was recently introduced to Story Maps as a means of information dissemination, interactive presentations with all types of media, fact sharing, general "storytelling" about a specific topic, and watched one this morning on "The Age of Humans." It was relatively simple, focusing on basic facts about what humans have done to the planet and showing (awesome) GIS maps on specific topics--satellite images of population density in certain cities, land percentage lost to agriculture, removed forest area, etc. I thought it was a really really good, informative presentation and shared it on Facebook. Of course, no one will react to a post like that. It's not juicy enough, and no one (at least that I'm friends with) has time to look at something of that nature. They're too preoccupied with Ferguson (don't get me wrong... that's important :/ ), promoting their art businesses, pictures of their well-crafted dinners, Buzzfeed, and so on. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!??! I must really and truly live in the wrong place. I feel like I can't connect to ANYBODY about my insights, worries, sadness, goals, plans, anything because nobody I know has any interest whatsoever, the theme of my perspective is simply not shared and apparently not understood. I guess people are right when they say the southeast is a little behind...
I just want to be connected with people that think for themselves, that are TRULY open-minded (no, not that you support gay rights and have a vague notion of the dangers of GMOs are and superficially disagree with CAFOs). People that ACTIVELY QUESTION THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE. That comprehend that our society is not simple and straight-forward and credible at face-value but that there is much much much more going on behind the scenes of easily-accessible media, behind front-page news and generally accepted ideologies. STOP! BEING! A! ZOMBIE! STOP! SWALLOWING! ALL! THE! BULLSHIT!
Ugh. My frustration levels have risen again. Is writing blog posts supposed to make you seethe with anger??
(Probably).
I am going to end this post before I get too dramatic and unnecessarily upset. But, these are very real emotions and struggles for me and I have to figure out a way to get past them. If that means relocating to an area where I feel I can connect with the people and the tone of the culture and society in general, then I'll do it. It's just so discouraging to never be able to discuss the things you care about, to be surrounded by people who are seemingly unconcerned with the harsh reality of our present situation, that don't see what a blind trajectory we are blazing along with foolish abandon. We are so successfully distracted with our own infinitesimal daily routines and troubles... people refuse to think about a larger reality. I could be branded as a loony just for using those two words together... LARGER REALITY. And yet it's a truth that is strictly, almost forcibly ignored. I need sustenance from people who want to expand boundaries and discover true human power. Ahem, excuse me, LIFE power. The power of the life force. (OH NO, I'm getting really "transcendental," must..stop...while I'm... ahead).
Do your research, people. Think critically, be imaginative, don't swallow the pill of media-based education. TRUST NO ONE! (hehe. Ok, THAT was for dramatic flair).
But seriously. Don't call someone "cynical" because they question the credibility of the flu shot.
(It's a scam, do a tiny PINCH of research, or even just think about it for three minutes, and you'll most likely see that).
Don't let them win!!! :):):)
And, on my end, I'll try to remain calm about the hopelessness of my current, infinitesimally small and minor unsatisfactory situation.
Final note- the life of that poor mouse on the sticky pad DID and DOES matter. If I could go back in time, I would swallow my pride and make an actual effort to help him live.
The Anthropocene Story Map- or, How We've Ruined the Planet
Why not?
I am feeling frustrated today. The morning began with a baby mouse stuck on a sticky-trap in the kitchen. A STICKY TRAP?? REALLY?? Are we barbarians?? My idiot, selfish, ignorant roommate bought sticky traps for the "mouse problem." And I awoke to find a perfectly coherent baby mouse stuck to one, all four paws and his jaw, still fully conscious and squeeking. So.... my roommate tells me to put it in a bag and throw it in the trash. So I do. This is obviously a cruel, cruel, evil, evil thing to do and I am THE BIGGEST softy with animals, so what's my internal plan? To retrieve it from the trash in secret, somehow free it from it's sticky prison, and LET IT GO OUTSIDE!! What do I care if it comes back in the house? (I don't). Or gets eaten by a cat? (That's at least a TAD more natural of a death). Will I have it perish in absolute fear, all-fours stuck to a hellish goo? NO. So my roommate comes to ask if I threw it out, I say yes, we both talk about how bad we feel for it (different roommate than bought the sticky traps), and how we need to not use sticky traps anymore. She says she is going to have our other roommate squish it to put it out of it's misery. Yes, good idea, obviously preferable to having it suffocate in the dark of the trashcan on the sticky trap. But now there's no way for me to rescue it. I am too embarrassed to speak up and say I want to free it, and she doesn't want it released outside because it will come right back in (which it will). So I agree, And roommate #4 goes outside and squishes it. And now baby mouse is dead. And I feel terrible. And angry. And guilty. I don't know that I could have actually saved it, the trap was EXTREMELY sticky. But I could have tried. And that has set the tone for the day.
(The incident was followed rapidly by me leaving the house for work, trying to get coffee at Dunkin' Donuts, driving around the block to go the "fast way" and getting stuck at several traffic lights, only to see that the parking lot is packed with Drive-Thruers and ambulances (??) and forcing me to abandon my decaf; Which is for the best- I (and everyone) do not need the chemical nonsense served by Dunkin' Donuts. A second, less dramatic failure (success?) for the morning).
Ok so I'm at work, emotionally healing myself from the mouse ordeal, finding solace in the fact that baby has joined the spirit world. Trying not to think about what an exciting winter he might have had, scurrying through leaves, hoarding his little seeds and crumbs, making brave escapes from the neighbors' cats. (Ridiculous, obviously. Sort of. Romantacized. But... Alas. He could have had a life, nonetheless).
*Well, several hours have passed so I'm feeling a bit less frustrated. Not less sad about my poor mouse friend, but I've had other things to do and managed not to dwell on it too much. Nothing like distraction to make you forget your woes.
That being said, the other avenue of my frustration was--of course--stress and anxiety and grief and anger over environmental issues. That is constant with me, of course, but more pronounced at some times than others. I was recently introduced to Story Maps as a means of information dissemination, interactive presentations with all types of media, fact sharing, general "storytelling" about a specific topic, and watched one this morning on "The Age of Humans." It was relatively simple, focusing on basic facts about what humans have done to the planet and showing (awesome) GIS maps on specific topics--satellite images of population density in certain cities, land percentage lost to agriculture, removed forest area, etc. I thought it was a really really good, informative presentation and shared it on Facebook. Of course, no one will react to a post like that. It's not juicy enough, and no one (at least that I'm friends with) has time to look at something of that nature. They're too preoccupied with Ferguson (don't get me wrong... that's important :/ ), promoting their art businesses, pictures of their well-crafted dinners, Buzzfeed, and so on. WHY DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?!?!?!??! I must really and truly live in the wrong place. I feel like I can't connect to ANYBODY about my insights, worries, sadness, goals, plans, anything because nobody I know has any interest whatsoever, the theme of my perspective is simply not shared and apparently not understood. I guess people are right when they say the southeast is a little behind...
I just want to be connected with people that think for themselves, that are TRULY open-minded (no, not that you support gay rights and have a vague notion of the dangers of GMOs are and superficially disagree with CAFOs). People that ACTIVELY QUESTION THINGS THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE. That comprehend that our society is not simple and straight-forward and credible at face-value but that there is much much much more going on behind the scenes of easily-accessible media, behind front-page news and generally accepted ideologies. STOP! BEING! A! ZOMBIE! STOP! SWALLOWING! ALL! THE! BULLSHIT!
Ugh. My frustration levels have risen again. Is writing blog posts supposed to make you seethe with anger??
(Probably).
I am going to end this post before I get too dramatic and unnecessarily upset. But, these are very real emotions and struggles for me and I have to figure out a way to get past them. If that means relocating to an area where I feel I can connect with the people and the tone of the culture and society in general, then I'll do it. It's just so discouraging to never be able to discuss the things you care about, to be surrounded by people who are seemingly unconcerned with the harsh reality of our present situation, that don't see what a blind trajectory we are blazing along with foolish abandon. We are so successfully distracted with our own infinitesimal daily routines and troubles... people refuse to think about a larger reality. I could be branded as a loony just for using those two words together... LARGER REALITY. And yet it's a truth that is strictly, almost forcibly ignored. I need sustenance from people who want to expand boundaries and discover true human power. Ahem, excuse me, LIFE power. The power of the life force. (OH NO, I'm getting really "transcendental," must..stop...while I'm... ahead).
Do your research, people. Think critically, be imaginative, don't swallow the pill of media-based education. TRUST NO ONE! (hehe. Ok, THAT was for dramatic flair).
But seriously. Don't call someone "cynical" because they question the credibility of the flu shot.
(It's a scam, do a tiny PINCH of research, or even just think about it for three minutes, and you'll most likely see that).
Don't let them win!!! :):):)
And, on my end, I'll try to remain calm about the hopelessness of my current, infinitesimally small and minor unsatisfactory situation.
Final note- the life of that poor mouse on the sticky pad DID and DOES matter. If I could go back in time, I would swallow my pride and make an actual effort to help him live.
The Anthropocene Story Map- or, How We've Ruined the Planet
Sunday, August 10, 2014
A dream I had
A dream I had. It was the most amazing, realistic, and most vivid psychological experience I've had. In the dream, I lived my entire life with an intense connection with a polar bear. I saved this bear in his infancy from a horrible death, and likewise gave him the ability to speak and understand me. We lived a beautiful life together with a friendship deeper than any I have ever had in "real life." At the end of my life, my polar bear was caught in some evil magic that threatened to not only kill him but erase his entire existence. By some magic power I was allowed to time-travel back to the moment I formed my bond with this bear, and was able to prevent his ultimate end from occurring. BUT, I had to alter one tiny piece of our bonding moment (I can't remember what this piece was in detail), and in doing so would negate our ability to bond, speak to each other, and emotionally connect. I basically chose to sacrifice our life of beautiful friendship so that ultimately his existence would not be erased.
The intensity of this dream has honestly changed me, and continues to do so. I don't know what the dream means. But it was incredible. I have never had such strong waking emotions as I did in this dream.
The intensity of this dream has honestly changed me, and continues to do so. I don't know what the dream means. But it was incredible. I have never had such strong waking emotions as I did in this dream.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Still poopin' along
What has inspired me to write a little blog article before work when I haven't blogged in years? I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that.
I have tried unsuccessfully to create other blogs in the past couple years but I can't get the templates to work with me, and I don't know how to import photos and add in different links and all the stuff that most bloggers can do these days. Could I figure it out? I guess... Will I? Possibly later.
What's important is my current state of affairs, though. That's what blog posts are for if I'm not mistaken. I am moving to San Francisco in a few months to go to graduate school at San Francisco State University, to get a MA in Geography- Resource Management and Environmental Planning. Sounds cool right? Sounds expensive doesn't it? Sounds a tad cliche hm? Fortunately I don't care about any of those things because I personally believe that the earth is doomed and don't think that any of us really have a whole lot longer here anyhow. It's not a grim outlook, despite first appearances. It's actually liberating.
In other news, I AM TWENTY FIVE NOW! Remember when I started this blog and I was 20? That's kinda cute. Actually, in some ways it feels like a lot more than five years ago that I was working at the Grand Canyon (the adventure that produced this blog. I think). Five years is a long time I guess.. these days it doesn't feel like it but how much has happened since that summer speaks for itself.
SIDENOTE- my next door neighbors are also my landlords. I am currently on the front porch, and my landlord's brother is building a mailbox right outside the porch. His nieces (my next door neighbor's children) are freaking ADORABLE, this from a person who is not overfond of children and not even fond of children. Their mother is Mexican and their father is black and they are twins of ~2-3 years, girls, and they are currently bugging their uncle as he tries to work. It's pretty great to watch. Kids are... something else. These two have some sort of frilly t-shirts on and pink Crocs and little pink and purple pantaloons and they're trying really hard to hang out with their unc and I don't think he's interested. I'd get a picture but I don't want to step on any toes.
Someone broke in to my car and stole my computer last November. I was parked near Yeah! Burger in Virginia Highlands where I was bartending at the time. I had just come down from being at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and hadn't had time to drop my stuff at home. My computer was hidden under a bunch of other stuff but I guess that doesn't cut it these days. The damn thing was stolen, and my window was smashed and blah blah blah. I was fired from the restaurant not long after that for, literally, the dumbest reason ever. I would write about it but it is literally idiotic and I don't feel like it. Also- a duffel bag was stolen from my car to put the laptop in. In the bag were clothes, some tea, knitting yarn, and an unopened book of checks. I cancelled my checking account upon realizing that the checks were gone. I had forgotten that 4 days before I wrote a check to a big farmer's market (they don't accept credit card). SO- the check bounced. They mailed a letter to my parents' house, because their address is on my check because my mailbox in Atlanta is sketchy (thus the new one currently being built). SO, my mom mails a new check to the PO box on the letter she received about the bounced check. Wrong address I guess, because they either never got that check or disregarded it because it was from a different person, I don't know, BUT come February I get a citation saying I am being charged with check fraud. SO NOW I get to go to court about check fraud. Over $42.00. Original court date was scheduled for when I was going to be in Europe, so had to get that changed real quick before I left. Still have court awaiting me in July. Talk about a rough winter!
Things are looking up for me now though! Just thought I'd share that story.
And now I will go read Game of Thrones (Clash of King, actually, Book 2) until work. Bye!!
I have tried unsuccessfully to create other blogs in the past couple years but I can't get the templates to work with me, and I don't know how to import photos and add in different links and all the stuff that most bloggers can do these days. Could I figure it out? I guess... Will I? Possibly later.
What's important is my current state of affairs, though. That's what blog posts are for if I'm not mistaken. I am moving to San Francisco in a few months to go to graduate school at San Francisco State University, to get a MA in Geography- Resource Management and Environmental Planning. Sounds cool right? Sounds expensive doesn't it? Sounds a tad cliche hm? Fortunately I don't care about any of those things because I personally believe that the earth is doomed and don't think that any of us really have a whole lot longer here anyhow. It's not a grim outlook, despite first appearances. It's actually liberating.
In other news, I AM TWENTY FIVE NOW! Remember when I started this blog and I was 20? That's kinda cute. Actually, in some ways it feels like a lot more than five years ago that I was working at the Grand Canyon (the adventure that produced this blog. I think). Five years is a long time I guess.. these days it doesn't feel like it but how much has happened since that summer speaks for itself.
SIDENOTE- my next door neighbors are also my landlords. I am currently on the front porch, and my landlord's brother is building a mailbox right outside the porch. His nieces (my next door neighbor's children) are freaking ADORABLE, this from a person who is not overfond of children and not even fond of children. Their mother is Mexican and their father is black and they are twins of ~2-3 years, girls, and they are currently bugging their uncle as he tries to work. It's pretty great to watch. Kids are... something else. These two have some sort of frilly t-shirts on and pink Crocs and little pink and purple pantaloons and they're trying really hard to hang out with their unc and I don't think he's interested. I'd get a picture but I don't want to step on any toes.
Someone broke in to my car and stole my computer last November. I was parked near Yeah! Burger in Virginia Highlands where I was bartending at the time. I had just come down from being at my parents' house for Thanksgiving and hadn't had time to drop my stuff at home. My computer was hidden under a bunch of other stuff but I guess that doesn't cut it these days. The damn thing was stolen, and my window was smashed and blah blah blah. I was fired from the restaurant not long after that for, literally, the dumbest reason ever. I would write about it but it is literally idiotic and I don't feel like it. Also- a duffel bag was stolen from my car to put the laptop in. In the bag were clothes, some tea, knitting yarn, and an unopened book of checks. I cancelled my checking account upon realizing that the checks were gone. I had forgotten that 4 days before I wrote a check to a big farmer's market (they don't accept credit card). SO- the check bounced. They mailed a letter to my parents' house, because their address is on my check because my mailbox in Atlanta is sketchy (thus the new one currently being built). SO, my mom mails a new check to the PO box on the letter she received about the bounced check. Wrong address I guess, because they either never got that check or disregarded it because it was from a different person, I don't know, BUT come February I get a citation saying I am being charged with check fraud. SO NOW I get to go to court about check fraud. Over $42.00. Original court date was scheduled for when I was going to be in Europe, so had to get that changed real quick before I left. Still have court awaiting me in July. Talk about a rough winter!
Things are looking up for me now though! Just thought I'd share that story.
And now I will go read Game of Thrones (Clash of King, actually, Book 2) until work. Bye!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A free footlong, some cookies, some knitting, and a bad knee
Hello! A short entry. I live here at home, with my parents, in the lovely Alpharetta, Georgia. I work at Natural Foods Warehouse, and help out with a CSA, and volunteer on Rockstar Farms in Gainesville once a week. I am hopefully moving down into Atlanta in June, with my good friends Rebecca, Bissell, and Jessica. Right now I am in the kitchen with Nick, Deanna, and Andy, have a quasi-argument about monotremes, marsupials, and placental mammals. And shrews and shrewps. I just made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and earlier I attempted a black bean patty, which kind of failed. It has been a fun night, and today I planted blueberries on the farm which was FUN! I have to run soon, but my knee is hurt and I am not supposed to. Boo.
Alpha is laaaame! Argument at the kitchen table about "Lotr, Deanna". It's time to go, update again soon.
Katty
Alpha is laaaame! Argument at the kitchen table about "Lotr, Deanna". It's time to go, update again soon.
Katty
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